25.

Quarter of a century and counting! I am so grateful to have made it around the sun, my ruling planet, 25 times. 25 years of beautiful brown skin, in possession of my grandfather’s eyes, my grandmother’s smile and loving spirit, and all of my hopes and dreams. I’m so happy to still be here. I’m still here…still breathing, still learning, still loving, still smiling—sometimes too much but that’s okay—still crying, like all the time and that’s okay too. These eyes and smile that I love so much are not just for show. They often tell my secrets and display my emotions. I’m happy to still be here and able to learn, everyday, more about my emotions and to listen to what my emotions are telling me. So emotions and all, I’m welcoming this new year and am prepared for the blessings and lessons that are in store for me.

I acknowledge and celebrate the accomplishments I’ve made over the past year, like earning my Masters and recommitting to while also being consistent with how I love and take care of myself. The past year also taught me a lot and lessons, some painful and some funny, have been useful. I learned more over the past year about loss, letting go, healing and recovery. In this new year I’m continuing to welcome lessons, continued growth, and unapologetic self-love.

I’m on a mission to become more in harmony with my spirit. For me, this looks like learning more about my emotions and paying attention to them. Becoming more in harmony with my spirit has been calling for me to be more mindful and pay attention to what’s coming up in my life. I’m focusing more on connecting with the universe and with my higher self. I am paying attention. I’m listening. I’m listening to the universe, to my body, and to my mind. I feel like this new year calls for being mindful, living in the moment, and being grateful. I’m getting better at the way I practice gratitude. I need to be more consistent in my practice of gratitude. When I do practice gratitude, I tend to feel more at peace and I honestly feel softer and more open. I’d like to feel that more often.

This year I am nicer to myself. I believe in myself. I love myself and others. I am open and listening. I welcome new challenges. My heart is filled with love and understanding. I am deserving. I am soft. I am strong. I am loving. I am grateful. I am complicated and complex. I am enough and I deserve to be here.

“A woman in harmony with her spirit is like a river flowing. She goes where she will without pretense and arrives at her destination to be prepared to be herself and only herself.”

-Maya Angelou

Sunflowers and affirmations

I recently got two tattoos, both of which I've been trying to get since late last year. I love that we have the ability and option to add art to our bodies like this. These are my 3rd and 4th tattoos and I love that I've been able to put empowering words and pictures on my body that mean something special to me. I've been so eager to get these two because they represent the affirmations I made for 24th year and my commitment to loving myself fully and unapologetically. I definitely wanted to get them done before my25th birthday, which I feel is quickly approaching. I also really wanted these reminders with me at all times. It feels right as I continue to find more and more harmony with my spirit.

Under my left wrist is the word deserving. My tagline/affirmation for this year of my life. "I am deserving." I deserving of unconditional love and self-love. I am deserving of healing energies. I am deserving of forgiveness. I deserve to be here. I am deserving.

On my right wrist is one of my forever and ever life mantras, "still I rise," words from the late and phenomenal Maya Angelou. Both Maya Angelou and her words have meant so much to me. Through the years her words have empowered me and saved me. I love being able to look at them every day under this beautiful sunflower. Sunflowers are one of my favorite flowers and I don't think that this is the last sunflower that I will have tattooed on my body. Unlike me, they are tall but they rise so high and I love the way that they stand tall in the sun. They are golden and brown, like me and I feel like they symbolize happiness and wholeness and joy and I call for as much of those qualities into my life as I can.

It's been such a blessing, and sometimes a distraction, seeing these affirmations--these incredible words--on my skin every day.

See my first tattoo here: my bumble-bee and my second tattoo here: i am mine  ♥

Live your best life

Memoirs and autobiographies are quickly becoming one of my favorite genres. I love being able to see into these women's incredible lives and I'm grateful that they chose to share their stories. Here are some amazing and inspiring quotes from 4 great memoirs/autobiographies to motivate you this week

 "I will claim myself for myself."

"I told a student today: You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Praise yourself as much as you fuss at yourself.' And I could have been talking to myself. And I was. And I will."

"I'm just really into walking in my purpose and saying yes to life right now. Ya know?"

 

"Change was in the air like a cloud and it was finally raining on me."

"Don't let anyone else take away your joy. If they don't want to be with you or around you, let them go. Pick up your shit and keep going. You came into the world by yourself, and the next person's lungs don't help you breathe."

“Love heals. Heals and liberates. I use the word love, not meaning sentimentality, but a condition so strong that it may be that which holds the stars in their heavenly positions, which causes the blood to flow orderly in our veins.”

 “Don't do anything that you think is wrong. Do what you think is right, and then be ready to back it up even with your life.” 

 

"Read everything. The more knowledge you have, the less a man can use you for poppy-show" 

 "I go from place to place spouting the gospel of courage and survival. I encourage victims to take hold of destiny and chart it for themselves."

Reasons to Smile

Two years ago timehop showed me a now 7-year-old tweet that said, "I love me some me" which felt like a message from the universe because I was having a horrible day and finding it very hard to love any aspect of myself. I tried to get myself together by writing about it and trying to feel beautiful. I spent some time reflecting on one of my favorite quotes from Nayyirah Waheed, "I have always been the women of my dreams." That day, despite heartache, I tried to reaffirm my commitment to loving myself fiercely and continuously, to the best of my ability.

The now 7-year-old tweet and accompanying 2-year-old selfie.

Rereading my post from my re-commitment to self love 2 years ago, what really stands out to me is "to the best of my ability." This journey of self love was not linear before this day two years ago and has not been linear since. It's an up and down and sometimes wobbly journey that confuses me but teaches me so much, especially in the last year or so.

I think that one of the more major things that I've noticed distracts from my ability to love myself has been my failure to focus on the good and comparing myself to others or, more dangerously, some idealized vision of myself.  There are so many times when instead of celebrating my success or living in what is good and happening in the moment. I graduated last December and earned my Master of Social Work with a 3.75. Almost 4 months later and I can admit to myself that I actually did really well my final semester an overall. Immediately after finals week, however, I was distraught over my grade on one paper that  I worked really hard on but didn't get the A that I wanted, that I just knew I was going to get after pouring so much of myself into that paper because I saw myself getting a 4.0 that semester. I kept thinking of all the people who don't procrastinate or don't have anxiety attacks over one final paper. That alone made it even harder to work on this one assignment. I spent so much energy on being upset with that one paper and focusing on alternate world 4.0 Kiyanna instead of my current life that I forgot to really celebrate all of this moment. This achievement is my own and although there are many people who have done better and have higher grades, I still deserve to give myself time to be in the moment and celebrate it.

Another big distraction has been running and staying in spaces and energies that make me feel unworthy. Realizing this has been leading me to paying more attention to how I'm feeling around certain people and in different situations. It led me to my 24th year birthday affirmation, "I am deserving." It's been helping me listen to myself and trust my intuitions more. Most importantly, I think that it has helped me question my experiences more. I've been thinking more about what lessons I'm learning from past and present experiences and relationships. I've been been journaling and reflecting more and really just learning so much about myself. Protecting my mental health and my emotional well being are on the top of my priority list and it's been working really well for me these past few weeks.

It's not a perfect journey and I don't think its ever meant to be but I'm really glad to be working on loving myself continuously.  I'm really glad I'm alive to experience the ups and downs of this journey. I love learning about myself and how to better love myself. I love me some me.

♥


ps. if you read all of this, pray for me during this job search!

Blessings from Poetry

In honor of Women's History Month, I would like to highlight these wonderful poets whose words truly keep me afloat by speaking to my soul. I've been so thankful for this poets and their work over the past year or so. I turn to their words to relieve stress, to find comfort, to cry, to laugh, to affirm myself, and to heal. I cherish these poets and these collections so much because they so beautifully articulate feelings of heartbreak and pain, childhood, our connections to our ancestors, relationships with ourselves and with others, and so much more. I've carried these books of poetry and prose and shared them to help others heal and be inspired as well.


Here are some beautiful words from these talented artists to help you get through this week. May they speak to you and guide you through anything you may be going through. Enjoy!

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From Nectar by Upile Chisala

From Soft Magic by Upile Chisala

From Questions for Ada by Ijeoma Umebinyuo

From Nejma by Nayyirah Waheed

From Bone by Yrsa Daley-Ward

From Preparing My Daughter for Rain by Key Ballah

From Teaching My Mother How to Give Birth by Warsan Shire

From Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur

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You deserve to have a good week. Take care of yourself.

Books I Read: Imani All Mine

Imani All Mine by Connie Rose Porter has been one of my absolute favorite books since I first read it in the seventh grade. I loved and still love reading stories about black girls that feel authentic--stories that felt like they were about people I see in my own life. I had already loved reading and was always getting lost in books long before I read this book but this book holds a very special place in my heart because it took me on an emotional roller coaster. I'm a very emotional person. I feel emotions very intensely and this wonderful piece of literature had me sobbing uncontrollably in my room the morning I finished it when I was supposed to be getting ready for school. I had no idea that books could have that power over me. I fell in love.

I personally think it's a must read. Imani All Mine is a honest and real story that anyone can find themselves in. Imani All Mine tells the story of Tasha, a fourteen-year-old single mother. Throughout this book we see the various impacts of race, stigma, trauma, poverty, and faith on Tasha's life. I was excited to read this book again as a part of The Free Black Women's Library's 2017 Reading Challenge, a book from your childhood. I was really excited to read this book again as an adult and compare the experiences.

Reading it as an adult, what I find the most interesting about this book is Tasha's relationship with religion and Christianity. We're able to see what, I feel, is a very honest relationship with God. One that relies on faith and blessings but also openly questions how this religion can work in a world where horrible things happen to innocent people and where horrible people can be forgiven for the awful things that they have done. This is a challenge for a lot of people trying to maintain their faith when going through difficult times.

"God is a mystery to me."

Another really important part is the description of the way that memories of trauma not only live in our minds but throughout our entire bodies as well. When incredibly stressful or traumatizing events happen to people the impact that they have on their bodies can last for a long time after the initial event happens. In Tasha's world it would be expected to get over things quickly and move on with life but the body remembers.

"The places where there is memory in you. Underneath your tongue. The middle of your bones. The lonesome spaces deep inside."

I loved reading this book again! It definitely took me back to the seventh grade and I discovering some themes I didn't notice when I was 12. I was definitely moved to tears and uncontrollable sobbing again. I'm still so in love with this book. If you have not read this book yet, you definitely should.

Happy Reading! ♥