How is your weekend?

My love,

Sorry for any pain you've ever felt. Know that pain is temporary. Healing takes time and things will get better. his is about healing and I'm here to help you a long the way. I hope you found a reason to smile today. Always remember that love and recovery are possible in your future. I know that I'm strong but sometimes I break. It only makes me stronger. I hope you know the same goes for you.

Love you always.
Kiyanna Shanay
kiyannaloves@yahoo.com

I bid you feelings farewell!

So I've reflected on my senior year and I've finally figured out how I felt for it and I can now explain the emotional roller coaster that was the epitome of my senior year. I thought about it one night, several nights actually, and it actually made it cry.

To sum it up, I guess I can say that I didn't really like it....I think I actually used the word hate when I was thinking about it. So I think it would best to just let it all out. I apoligize in advanced i it doesn't make any sense. I just want to remember the feeling so that it's clear to me that I'm out of the darkness and I'm actually happy now. I'm a happier person now. It's not perfect but I really like it.

Basically, my senior year and most of my high school experience was extrememly mentally, emotionally, and physically draining. I think I had to struggle a lot with making it through the day and it was really hard to fight so hard just to make it through a day and then a week and then a year. It was unbelieveable now that I think about it. Im really proud of mysel because I did make it through and there were many times that I was really close to not making it.

I was so unhappy the I'm not sure where real happiness began and pretend happiness ended. I basically felt no love unless I was at home and when I was home it was hard to be loving because I was so tired of fighting through the day. It was just ruining so many things or me. I hated all the crying. I was sick of sitting in classes crying or going to the bathroom to go cry. I was sick of feeling alone in such a crowded place. I think it was more than just feeling alone though. I didn't feel like I was accepted for being myself and what else was I really supposed to be? I thought I was pretty okay, average, and most days I loved me. I'm not like a lot of the people I was surrounded by but so what if I'm different. I like different things, I listen to different kinds of music, that's me and it was absolutely disgusting that I was teased for things like that by people in high school, people preparing for the real world, to be adults and that's how they treated people. Like they were little kids and bullying was okay.

That high school is the only place that I know of in this entire world where about 98% of the population is okay with hurting people and knowing that they hurt people. Sometimes it was more than just being okay with it. I've seen people be happy with the fact that they know they've hurt someone and it was so heartbreaking to me. I'm sure no one likes getting hurt but it's probably hard to get hurt when you can hurt someone so easily.

I was just sick of how clear the presence of dishonesty was. Even when I think of it now, I can barely pick out who was true and who wasn't. I'm not stupid though. I know that I only had a few friends because hey I wasn't accepted but what really hurt me was when people tarnish my random acts of kindness. I knew that they were stupid and useless but they were the only things keeping me sane. If I didn't see love or kindness or any form of compassion then I had to cry so I couldn't let that happen even if it meant I had to put inspirational quotes on little cards or stay up to bake cookies for people who didn't really care. It was crazy though, I loved doing it because it made my heart happy even though people made it known how annoyed they were by it. I couldn't stop because if I did then I would have nothing else to make me happy except for the fact that the end of the year was near and I didn't have to deal with it anymore. It was so hard for me to watch so many happy people and just know that I could never be happy in that environment.

It felt like, by their standards, I didn't deserve that and I never will but everyone deserves happiness and love and it was just unbelieveable to be around so many people and get the vibe that I didn't matter because I didn't look a certain way and I didn't dress a certain way, and I didn't like certain things and although your heart is broken, the vibe that "we don't care because you're not worth it." That's how I felt for pretty much 90% of my senior year.

I'm so happy now though and I learned so much from what I went through. I learned that the town and high school I was in sucks all the energy and happiness out of me and that's a really good thing to know. I know where not to start a family. I know that the tears and the broken heart wasn't just me. There was nothing wrong with me. That's something that I really needed to figure out. Most importantly, I learned that I am worth happiness and love. I was just blinded by the blind, unaccepting and uncaring people around me.

PS, my goal wasn't to offend anyone. I just needed to let it out and share my story.

love♥....

stolen from OUTS 2.0 on facebook again.

when I find something really beautiful and uplifting, I just have to share it.

I hope it's brightened your day :)

the more than average girl.

Once upon a time, in an average town, in an average house, there lived an average girl named Amani. Amani was always very sad and confused because she felt like everyone in the world was always really sad or really angry. She spent most of her days crying for all the sad hearts in the world. When she couldn't take the confusion anymore, she decided to ask God for help. Her special prayer went like this:

Dear God,

Help the world to smile again. Please end the pain, the sadness, and the tears. Please bring people happiness. Comfort the sad, the sick, and the lonely. Heal the broken hearts. Help us bring happiness back to our faces. Help us achieve peace. Help us to let love into our hearts again. I don't want to cry anymore. Please help.

Amen.

It's possible for the world to be happy again. It's a goal that we all need to work together to achieve. It's possible and we can make it happen. We need the help of ourselves and othes. We need to know that we can't do it alone. We need to know that it's possible to make this work. :)

Also, the power of prayer is amazing. If you've never tried it, go ahead and go at it. It has the power to work wonders. :)

steps to loving you!

• It starts with knowing who you are. Knowing your values, what you believe in, what you stand for, what's important to you.
• Then you have to understand, that as beautiful as you are, you have flaws. Flaws that you need to embrace because they make you who you are. You can't spend your life stressing out over your flaws. They're beautiful and you need to love them. They're a part of you.
• After you've learned to love your flaws and leave them be, find the good in yourself. Figure out what makes you special and what you love about your body, your self, and your personality. Focus on the good for a while and let it make you happy.
• It's not all easy, but this may be one of the hardest parts. You need to learn to love and respect others. Accept them for who they are. It's possible and you can do it.

when you love yourself, you believe in yourself and anything and everything is possible. It'll make you stronger and when you love yourself, your beauty shines through for all people to see!

love quote

"Love isn't love 'til you give it away."

-Disney's Circle of Friends

photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/27515010@N04/

a letter to a lost girl.

To a sad face and an empty soul,

I would like to send you my deepest and most sincere apologies. There are not enough words to describe how sorry I am. For each second you felt lost, for each of the millions of tears you shed, for each day you felt so so sick and tired, I'm sorry. It was too much for you to handle but I applaud you for each day you found the strength to deal with it all. The tears have stopped and all is calm now my dear. I'm so sorry you tried to find comfort in things that couldn't really help, like sex, drugs, food, and cutting. I wish you were able to see the toll it took on your precious body. I wish you were able to see and appreciate your beauty. It was a beauty unlike anything else in this world and it came from the courage that I knew you always had but you couldn't see. I'm sorry you were so filled with emotions that it had to find its way out through tears and drops of blood. I'm sorry that you felt as if no one understood. You may not have known this but you inspired me, each time you refused to give up, you created more hope, something desperately needed in this world.
You were never stupid, never useless. You were never really lonely. We're never really alone. We're more loved than we know. Love is always there. You were worth more than you could have ever imagined.
The darkness is finally gone sweet angel. I'm sorry you didn't know that you were loved and that things do get better but my wish is that you no longer feel any pain. One day I hope to see your smile. Your precious, beautiful smile.

#3 another quote :)

It's about love....

Love takes courage but it's worth it. Sometimes it's easy to love and sometimes it takes some work to love some one but it's important to give away love. It's important to love others. It should make you feel good inside. Besides making you feel good, when you love other, you feel more love also. You feel really good about yourself. Try doing a random act of kindness, when you see someone smile, you know how good it is to give away love. It just feels so good and so right. Try it, you'll like it. that reminds me of a song from Yo Gabba Gabba but it has good meaing behind it. It won't hurt to try. Give love a try and spread love like wildfire.

"Love grows by giving. The love we give away is the only love we keep. The only way to retain love is to give it away."

-Elbert Hubbard