March 20th

March 20, 2018 marked 7 years free of self-harm. When I realized that it was 7 years, I felt some happiness for making it this far but mostly I felt disappointed in myself. I realize that 7 years free of self-harm is a huge accomplishment but when I think about how my self-care practices could have been much better. It’s hard to want to celebrate an achievement like this when I’m still upset with myself for taking no breaks and ignoring my mental health the depressive and suicidal weeks after my last birthday.

I use my birthday as a time to reflect and recommit to healing, growth, and self love. While I know that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself because recovery and healing is important ongoing work, I know that I did myself a disservice and continue to do so when I ignore my mental health and put self-care on a back burner. I knew it was bad practice then but I figured that I just hadn’t had the time to adjust yet to balancing my mental health and my first full time job. I tried to make a commitment then to creating stronger boundaries and taking mental health days. That didn’t last too long and I was often overwhelmed by guilt from taking a day off with work not 100% as well as the dread of having to catch up on anything missed. It doesn’t help that sometimes it feels like there is a target on my back when I’m out of the office. When my job performance suffered following this post birthday suicidal depressive mess, I decided to be honest in hopes that being honest with my feelings would help me be more honest with myself and gain more support in my environment. I was reminded to prioritize my paperwork and my practice self care.So I did and I told myself that I wouldn’t take a day for myself unless everything was 100% done. I quickly realized that this is not possible. With that understanding, I tried to create boundaries and recommit to self care but unfortunately, that did not last very long. More than anything, I've been overwhelmed by guilt and disappointment for not taking better care of myself.

I'm trying to remind myself to be gentle with myself as I try to find balance. I deserve that much. I've put my mental health on a back burner and the more I realized this, the more I became upset with myself. For that I owe myself an apology. None of this is easy. I look at my deserving tattoo multiple times a day and know that I deserve to be here and I know that I deserve to put as much work and energy into myself as much as anything else. I'm working on no longer ignoring these truths because I am deserving. Reflecting on this anniversary and my affirmations, I'm going to commit to taking it one day at a time. I'm forgiving myself and committing to not being so hard on myself. I don't belong on the back burner so I'm not staying there anymore. I'm happy to be alive. I'm happy to be here and I'm worth all the hard work that healing requires. I'm prioritizing myself and my mental health because I am deserving.

There is a romance brewing here

Between joy and I.

I deserve her and she deserves me.

                               -Upile Chisala

Food for Thought

My lovely friend Lauren occasionally posts "food for thought" prompts on her blog. This prompt was, "write a letter to a person who has had a bad day."

For you, with love:

I want you to know that you're so much more than what you're going through right now. How you're feeling today does not define you. You're more than this day. Take a deep breath. I can't change that today was tough but here are some things I want you to remember. You matter. You will survive this. You're alive. You matter. I'm glad you're alive. I'm happy that you're still here. Today won't last forever.

Sometimes were sent bad days so that we appreciate the good days. Some people say that it's always darkest before the dawn. My favorite quote to get me through those harder days is "Be strong now because things will get better. It might be stormy now but it can't rain forever." This song also helps me a lot. Beautiful Flower by India Arie.

I hope this helps. If not, it's okay to take a break. Sit down. Don't forget to take care of yourself. Do a little bit of what makes you happy. Indulge in something special. You deserve love. You deserve something special. You're worth it. 

I'm always here if you need to talk. Please remember that. 

Stay Strong♥

I made it.

I cried. I was alone. I smiled. I fought. I climbed. I fell. I shed blood. I got up. I cried. I was happy. I was sad. I loved me. I hated me. I believed in the impossible. I took crap for nothing. I was bullied. I made it out. I was happy. I felt alone. I felt loved. I felt confused. I loved myself. I hated myself. I cried. I smiled. I cried. Does that make me weaker? Not at all. Pain may hurt but it's a sign that you're alive. I'm stronger because I'm ALIVE. ♥

Tunnel of Opression

What it is a series of skits. It was dark, deep, serious, heartbreaking, there were endless was to describe. It is meant to bring awareness to the what really happens. Events that take place in the world that hurt so many people. I really loved it because it showed me that people actually care. Even though it was so intense, I felt like I didn't have to feel so alone anymore because there are people who actually believe that this is an issue that needs to be addressed. I loved that it was serious because I've seen so many people turn issues like these into jokes and it's not funny at all.

• The first skit was about domestic violence.It was in a really small area. I felt like I was there and seeing it and a part of it. It was really life-like
• There was one where a girl's roommate's where making fun of her because of her weight. I easily related to that. It was so sad. They were saying things like "I only want to take her because guys will want to dance with me because I look better by comparison" and things like "she looks like a pregnant whale." It was crazy.
• There was an Autistic student being made fun of. It was so sad. In this particular skit, I was right behind him and I wanted to hug him.
  

It was wonderful. eye-opening. It just makes me want to take action. We can't judge people because we don't know what they're going through. Life is hard. We don't need to be hurt by others on top of it all. We NEED to be respectful!

Love is louder. This world is brutal enough as it is. The least we can do is make sure that love is all around and that we respect each other.

love is louder

End bullying. There is no excuse to hurt people or to push them to the edge of death with endless taunting, jeers, or rude and demeaning remarks. It's not fair. This cycle that is ending countless, precious lives needs to stop! How many tears must flow, lives lost, blood shed, before the world sees that action needs to be taken? How long before society sees that love is louder than hate. Love is louder than pain. There is never an excuse to hurt people. I'll never understand why anyone thinks it's okay It blows my mind when ever I think about it but I know that's there will be a day when this horrible cycle ends and love can be heard through all the confusion and pain. We have to take baby steps but there is no doubt that if we work together and work on the love, we can it "Don't give up on love, just hold on."

we are all fighting.

I got into a wonderful conversation with some girls on the floor. People fight so hard to be where they are. That's why there is no room to judge. You don't know what people are going through. You don't know what they're fighting or how hard. You can't always tell how hard someone is fighting just by looking at them. That's why we all need to love and respect each other. Happiness and love are some of the strongest forces on this earth and even though you may not see it all the time, it's always there. Always at work and never failing.

We're fighting but that doesn't mean we're weak. We're stronger with every moment. If you're at the bottom then there's only up from there. "Life's a climb but the view is great."

In addition, I got interviewed for fitsmi.com and their site for moms...check it out please!

I saved me.

When I was sad, no one noticed. When I cried no one noticed. So I just pretended to be happy when I was strong enough even if that meant I had to go the bathroom and cry or go home and lock myself in my room until I felt better, not caring about the measures I took to make that happen. Now I just don't know where pretend happiness ends and real happiness starts or where pretend happiness starts and real happiness ends.

I'm still depressed sometimes for long periods, not as long as I was before but still unaware of what brought it on. When it was really bad and I was dealing with it in all the wrong ways I realized that it probably wouldn't make a difference if I just acted happy and "normal" even though I was screaming and crying on the inside. People didn't notice that I was sad so why put on a show for them. I was just being ignored even while I was crying in my classes so why not just act like a happy little bee and that way at least, I'd be noticed. It was so tiring though. At the end of the day I had to come home and cry or cut or just eat until I couldn't think about the rest of the world anymore even though I knew that the next day, it would be the same process and the same struggle to keep my pain inside and still remain happy on the outside because honestly, after a while, I figured that my pain, my sadness, my tears, and the screams that I was holding inside of me were no one else's buisness. In my mind these people that ignored my tears and ignored my obvious sadness when it was still there couldn't help me in anyway. They couldn't even notice that there was something wrong in the beginning. It was just pointless to me so I only let them see the person who I wanted to be. The person who I wish would come and rescue me and that person did rescue me, I think. I'm pretty sure that my happiness is real now and not just an act. I think that this person I became is really me now. This person rescued the sad person and now they live side by side trying to rescue other people who may be struggling and hopefully, the happy hero can just eliminate the sad civilian unless maybe that sad person is necessary for me to realize how far I've come and what I want to save others from. I'm really thankful for this happy person who rescues me who's always there for that sad part of me because I don't like going to the bathroom and crying at school. I didn't like crying in my classes, it just didn't feel right and I'm proud of myself for rescuing me.

deeper than the ocean

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a
poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a
gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his
aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with
tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the
girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and
he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him
in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of
white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new
paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left
butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year
his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl
around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And
the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father
never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried
for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a
poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the
question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his
professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never
hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the
year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's
Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And
his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around
the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at
three a.m. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really
all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.

This poem is called, A Person, A Paper, A Promise, written by Dr. Earl Reum.
Isn't it sad? My wish for you all is to understand that the world in which we live is brutal, it's rough, it's confusing, it's real but it can be beautiful. It will give us strength. You are not alone. You 're stronger than you think. You can make it. Please don't give up. You are beautiful. B-E-A-U-tiful. You are worth so much. You're not worthless, you never were, and you never will be. Sometimes things are hard but they'll make you stronger and you'll get past it. You're going to make it. I know you're tired but you can take it. You'll get the energy to make it through. You'll find the light to lead you out of the darkness and your heart will sing and be happy and you'll feel the love. The sadness will go away. You'll accomplish things you can't even imagine right now. Don't be afraid, don't run away. You're amazing and you're going to make it. You deserve the sun and the stars, the moon, the clouds, and all the smiles in the world. You deserve it all. Your life is precious and beautiful. It's wonderful and perfect. You may not see how precious your life is but treasure it. It's a wonderful thing. Please don't hurt it. Don't destroy it. Don't tarnish its beauty. Please! I love you. I'd love for you to be happy. I'd love to see you smile. A beautiful and happy smile. I'd love to see pain and sadness vanished from the world forever. I want all hearts to be healed. I believe that we can work together to achieve that. We can make it happen through love. Love is magical. Hope is magical but they're both real. They're real and we can use them to change the world and make it better place. A place that we deserve and a place that our children and their children deserve. A beautiful place built on love and fed with happiness. It can happen and it will. It's possible if we all believe and know that it's real. Know that a better tomorrow is possible and we can all work towards it. Tell someone how amazing they are. Tell someone that their smile is beautiful and that it warms other people's hearts. Tell someone that they are loved and not alone. Believe it. Understand it and spread the word. Together we can spread love to every heart and the world will be a better place. We can do it. I believe. Do you?

lalalalalalalalalala

I just don't feel like myself anymore. I miss crying. I miss being sad but I love being happy. I love it. I love the confidence that I carry now but sometimes I just think I shouldn't have it, like it doesn't belong to me. I miss all the tears and I miss being in the darkness. I haven't felt like killing myself in what feels like forever but why do I miss that feeling? I should be happy that my smiles are meaningful and that my heart is always happy. Why do I want to be so sad? Why do I crave all the tears? I guess truly, I feel really empty inside now that I'm not as sad all the time. My head is really coudy and I'm just confused about it all. Sometimes, I feel like I need some darkness in my life. Why am I afraid to be so happy?

I want us all to crave happiness and for us to ultimately achieve it. No one should be in the darkenss. Don't be afraid of happiness. Be brave and embrace it. We all need to. I hope that we can all smile meaningful smiles and that our hearts stay happy. I hope that we can all feel better in the light and no longer fear it. I wish we were all fearless and knew how to love ourselves to the point where we could achieve happiness and freedom all the pain. I believe that the sun will one day shine for all of us. I really do.

a letter to a lost girl.

To a sad face and an empty soul,

I would like to send you my deepest and most sincere apologies. There are not enough words to describe how sorry I am. For each second you felt lost, for each of the millions of tears you shed, for each day you felt so so sick and tired, I'm sorry. It was too much for you to handle but I applaud you for each day you found the strength to deal with it all. The tears have stopped and all is calm now my dear. I'm so sorry you tried to find comfort in things that couldn't really help, like sex, drugs, food, and cutting. I wish you were able to see the toll it took on your precious body. I wish you were able to see and appreciate your beauty. It was a beauty unlike anything else in this world and it came from the courage that I knew you always had but you couldn't see. I'm sorry you were so filled with emotions that it had to find its way out through tears and drops of blood. I'm sorry that you felt as if no one understood. You may not have known this but you inspired me, each time you refused to give up, you created more hope, something desperately needed in this world.
You were never stupid, never useless. You were never really lonely. We're never really alone. We're more loved than we know. Love is always there. You were worth more than you could have ever imagined.
The darkness is finally gone sweet angel. I'm sorry you didn't know that you were loved and that things do get better but my wish is that you no longer feel any pain. One day I hope to see your smile. Your precious, beautiful smile.

So, what's the cure?

I am so sick of all the sadness. We can keep running and running but It always finds us. I'm sick of the inequality among people. It's all too much to handle sometimes. I'm sick of the mistreatment of others. Its horrible to see people judge others over simple things like the kind of music they listen to and the way they dress. It's true that people don't see eye to eye on everything but that does not mean that if you disagree on something you can never be friends with that person. It's so wrong! It's not fair. It's just really horrible.


How can people treat others so mean? How can anyone be so horrible to other people even without having had the chance to get to know them. "If you judge people, you have no time to love them" -Mother Teresa.
Why is it so hard for us to listen to what one another and appreciate what others have to say?

Imagine if you were talking and no one could hear it. Imagine all the words you said being thrown into a black hole. It is so depressing. How can we fix it so that everyone's voice can be heard and appreciated?

I'm so sick and tired of people who have the same dreams not getting along at all. So tired of people who want the same thing fighting over who can do it better. If someone want to help you, unless it's absolutely unnecessary, let them. It's okay to be helped sometimes, especially if you want to do something like making a better world.

People can be so evil sometimes and it is so hard for be to be nice and just ignore it. It's hard for me to want to keep writing nice things to people. It's hard for me to keep helping people even when no one says thank you and I'm just left feeling unappreciated. But I do everything in my power to just ignore it and saw "f**k it," I'm not going to stop my nice efforts because of mean people.

So....
If anyone is reading this, you're beautiful and perfect in every way. Don't let anyone tell you that you're not a special person. Be nice to others because we're all precious and it is wrong to harm anything as precious as a thinking and feeling human being. We have to appreciate others more for the sake of the world. When we leave this earth, we should leave a place filled with love and happiness, not pain and despair. We should leave a place where no one is abused and bullied. Where depression is only found in history books. I believe that someday the world will be a better place but we all have to start working on it today.