March 20th

March 20, 2018 marked 7 years free of self-harm. When I realized that it was 7 years, I felt some happiness for making it this far but mostly I felt disappointed in myself. I realize that 7 years free of self-harm is a huge accomplishment but when I think about how my self-care practices could have been much better. It’s hard to want to celebrate an achievement like this when I’m still upset with myself for taking no breaks and ignoring my mental health the depressive and suicidal weeks after my last birthday.

I use my birthday as a time to reflect and recommit to healing, growth, and self love. While I know that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself because recovery and healing is important ongoing work, I know that I did myself a disservice and continue to do so when I ignore my mental health and put self-care on a back burner. I knew it was bad practice then but I figured that I just hadn’t had the time to adjust yet to balancing my mental health and my first full time job. I tried to make a commitment then to creating stronger boundaries and taking mental health days. That didn’t last too long and I was often overwhelmed by guilt from taking a day off with work not 100% as well as the dread of having to catch up on anything missed. It doesn’t help that sometimes it feels like there is a target on my back when I’m out of the office. When my job performance suffered following this post birthday suicidal depressive mess, I decided to be honest in hopes that being honest with my feelings would help me be more honest with myself and gain more support in my environment. I was reminded to prioritize my paperwork and my practice self care.So I did and I told myself that I wouldn’t take a day for myself unless everything was 100% done. I quickly realized that this is not possible. With that understanding, I tried to create boundaries and recommit to self care but unfortunately, that did not last very long. More than anything, I've been overwhelmed by guilt and disappointment for not taking better care of myself.

I'm trying to remind myself to be gentle with myself as I try to find balance. I deserve that much. I've put my mental health on a back burner and the more I realized this, the more I became upset with myself. For that I owe myself an apology. None of this is easy. I look at my deserving tattoo multiple times a day and know that I deserve to be here and I know that I deserve to put as much work and energy into myself as much as anything else. I'm working on no longer ignoring these truths because I am deserving. Reflecting on this anniversary and my affirmations, I'm going to commit to taking it one day at a time. I'm forgiving myself and committing to not being so hard on myself. I don't belong on the back burner so I'm not staying there anymore. I'm happy to be alive. I'm happy to be here and I'm worth all the hard work that healing requires. I'm prioritizing myself and my mental health because I am deserving.

There is a romance brewing here

Between joy and I.

I deserve her and she deserves me.

                               -Upile Chisala

Reasons to Smile

Two years ago timehop showed me a now 7-year-old tweet that said, "I love me some me" which felt like a message from the universe because I was having a horrible day and finding it very hard to love any aspect of myself. I tried to get myself together by writing about it and trying to feel beautiful. I spent some time reflecting on one of my favorite quotes from Nayyirah Waheed, "I have always been the women of my dreams." That day, despite heartache, I tried to reaffirm my commitment to loving myself fiercely and continuously, to the best of my ability.

The now 7-year-old tweet and accompanying 2-year-old selfie.

Rereading my post from my re-commitment to self love 2 years ago, what really stands out to me is "to the best of my ability." This journey of self love was not linear before this day two years ago and has not been linear since. It's an up and down and sometimes wobbly journey that confuses me but teaches me so much, especially in the last year or so.

I think that one of the more major things that I've noticed distracts from my ability to love myself has been my failure to focus on the good and comparing myself to others or, more dangerously, some idealized vision of myself.  There are so many times when instead of celebrating my success or living in what is good and happening in the moment. I graduated last December and earned my Master of Social Work with a 3.75. Almost 4 months later and I can admit to myself that I actually did really well my final semester an overall. Immediately after finals week, however, I was distraught over my grade on one paper that  I worked really hard on but didn't get the A that I wanted, that I just knew I was going to get after pouring so much of myself into that paper because I saw myself getting a 4.0 that semester. I kept thinking of all the people who don't procrastinate or don't have anxiety attacks over one final paper. That alone made it even harder to work on this one assignment. I spent so much energy on being upset with that one paper and focusing on alternate world 4.0 Kiyanna instead of my current life that I forgot to really celebrate all of this moment. This achievement is my own and although there are many people who have done better and have higher grades, I still deserve to give myself time to be in the moment and celebrate it.

Another big distraction has been running and staying in spaces and energies that make me feel unworthy. Realizing this has been leading me to paying more attention to how I'm feeling around certain people and in different situations. It led me to my 24th year birthday affirmation, "I am deserving." It's been helping me listen to myself and trust my intuitions more. Most importantly, I think that it has helped me question my experiences more. I've been thinking more about what lessons I'm learning from past and present experiences and relationships. I've been been journaling and reflecting more and really just learning so much about myself. Protecting my mental health and my emotional well being are on the top of my priority list and it's been working really well for me these past few weeks.

It's not a perfect journey and I don't think its ever meant to be but I'm really glad to be working on loving myself continuously.  I'm really glad I'm alive to experience the ups and downs of this journey. I love learning about myself and how to better love myself. I love me some me.

♥


ps. if you read all of this, pray for me during this job search!

Happy Monday!

Don't forget to take care of yourself this week! Today I'm reflecting on my dedication to myself and to loving my self.

I choose to love myself because I am worthy of love. I am deserving of love. I was put on this earth to love and be loved.

I was going through my time hop this morning and I saw a five year old tweet saying, "I love me some me." I remember saying that to myself. I remember reminding myself of that when I felt like there were challenges to my commitment to loving myself. I still say it in my head some mornings. What could be better than reminding yourself to love yourself?


So today, I reaffirm my commitment to loving myself. I love myself unapologetically, fiercely, and continuously... to the best of my ability.

"I Love Me Some Me."

Quote of the day:

"I have always been the woman of my dreams."

-Nayyirah Waheed