I saved me.

When I was sad, no one noticed. When I cried no one noticed. So I just pretended to be happy when I was strong enough even if that meant I had to go the bathroom and cry or go home and lock myself in my room until I felt better, not caring about the measures I took to make that happen. Now I just don't know where pretend happiness ends and real happiness starts or where pretend happiness starts and real happiness ends.

I'm still depressed sometimes for long periods, not as long as I was before but still unaware of what brought it on. When it was really bad and I was dealing with it in all the wrong ways I realized that it probably wouldn't make a difference if I just acted happy and "normal" even though I was screaming and crying on the inside. People didn't notice that I was sad so why put on a show for them. I was just being ignored even while I was crying in my classes so why not just act like a happy little bee and that way at least, I'd be noticed. It was so tiring though. At the end of the day I had to come home and cry or cut or just eat until I couldn't think about the rest of the world anymore even though I knew that the next day, it would be the same process and the same struggle to keep my pain inside and still remain happy on the outside because honestly, after a while, I figured that my pain, my sadness, my tears, and the screams that I was holding inside of me were no one else's buisness. In my mind these people that ignored my tears and ignored my obvious sadness when it was still there couldn't help me in anyway. They couldn't even notice that there was something wrong in the beginning. It was just pointless to me so I only let them see the person who I wanted to be. The person who I wish would come and rescue me and that person did rescue me, I think. I'm pretty sure that my happiness is real now and not just an act. I think that this person I became is really me now. This person rescued the sad person and now they live side by side trying to rescue other people who may be struggling and hopefully, the happy hero can just eliminate the sad civilian unless maybe that sad person is necessary for me to realize how far I've come and what I want to save others from. I'm really thankful for this happy person who rescues me who's always there for that sad part of me because I don't like going to the bathroom and crying at school. I didn't like crying in my classes, it just didn't feel right and I'm proud of myself for rescuing me.

self-esteem.

I've done some research and I've think I've found a few ways to build your self-esteem. Self-esteem is basically how much you like yourself. Having high or positive self-esteem means that you understand and accept yourself. Having low or negative self-esteem means that you think very negatively about yourself or you put yourself down a lot or you have a bad self image. I don't think it's easy to really build your self-esteem. It takes a while and it's hard. I have good days and I have bad days but on my bad days, I realize that there are a few positive self-esteem techniques that I've been ignoring and here there are....:

• set realistic goals for yourself. my mom says that sometimes when most people reach for the stars and are ofay when they land on the clouds while I will reach for pluto and get really upset if I land on the moon. That's really not healthy and I need to stop doing that.
• Take it one day at a time. I think I neglect this one because I think that I'll be okay if I try to do everything at once. I can make it but really, I need to set limits for myself, when I don't and try to do too much, I end up disappointed in myself and I find reasons to put myself down.
• Celebrate your own achievements. I don't do this because I begin to feel like I'm thinking too highly of myself but when I've done a really good job, I should celebrate! I deserve it especiialy if I've been working hard.

.....♥

http://www.twloha.com

random positive pikkers I googled!

fabulous!

flawless. freckles are adorable!

wonderful!

beauty is everywhere

When I look up the definition of beautiful, I don't see anything there that implies that to be beautiful, you have to dress a certain way, or be a certain size, or even be a certain race. I know that it doens't meant that you have to be attracted to every single person in the world but just because you don't aren't attracted to them doesn't mean that they aren't beautiful. It doesn't mean that you have the right to disrespect them. It doesn't mean that they don't have feelings too. Why are people like this? Why do people think it's okay to just not acknowledge someone's feelings because that person doesn't fit the mold of what they think is worthy of their respect. It's so frustrating! I just really don't get it. I enjoy being respected and being shown love and appreciation, just because I don't fit some stupid mold, does that mean I have to be denied that respect? It makes no sense to me what so ever. I like showing people that they're loved and that they're beautiful, I love showing them respect because it's something that we all deserve. I tell people that they're beautiful because I can find beauty in everyone. Aren't we supposed to treat others the way we would like to be treated. Most people have been learning this since they were able to talk, why don't we see it more often?

I have HOPE that one day at least we'll see it a lot more than we do now.

quote time.

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us. "

--Helen Keller

I've realized that sometimes if you're looking to hard for something you want, you won't realize that it's right infront of you. It's also true that we can't see the other good things in life if we're stuck on the loss of somthing good. I think that if we're patient and understanding, we'll see that things do work out for us. They may not work out the way we want them too but everything happens for a reason and we may not be able to see it right away but that doesn't make it any less meaningful or important. We often fail to see that sometimes the things that we don't think are good for us might actually be the best thing that could ever happen to us. I guess the message is that we should relax more often because if we move too fast, we might miss out on all of life's awesome possibilities and opportunities and lessons and all the other good things. Like Ferris Bueller said, "Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

awards...♥

I got this lovely "Beautiful Blog Award" from Iza at http://theiza.blogspot.com/ go visit! I love it!

Today when I visited her blog, I saw some really cute clothes that reminded that summer is almost here. The heat is the real reminder but the clothes remind me that I need to shop for school because I'll be leaving for school in a little over a month now! Every day I get closer to starting a new part of my life and every day I get more excited for it to finally be so close! It helps me when I really need cheering up or when I need to mentally escape what's the world around me. I know it won't be a movie screen experience but I'm looking forward to it because I like experiencing new things and I know that I will be one step closer to becoming a doctor and healing lives! Oh Future, what will you bring?

you can be a HERO!

I love this song! It really means a lot to me. Sometimes it's so hard to keep wanting to go on when you can't find any support from anyone like the people in these songs. If we could just show kindness to people, then maybe they wouldn't feel so alone. I know what it's like to feel really alone. I know what it's like to feel hopeless and like no one cares. We need heroes to help us see that we are loved and we're not alone.

small words. giant impact.

"Love as though you have never been hurt before."

This sounds hard but it's possible. I have hope. Sometimes I fear that I won't be able to do this but I learn from each of the times that my heart aches and one day I'll be able to love without automatically thinking I'll be hurt. I have HOPE.

Happy Birthday Blog!

One year ago, I started this blog to raise awareness of some topics that I thought were really important and that needed to be shared from a teenager's point of view. I also really wanted to help people who were struggling with the same issues that I was struggling with, like body image, bullying, self, love, etc... It's not perfect, I'm not perfect but I'm really proud of what my blog has become. I like to think that it represents beauty and hope. I'm not sure if it really does or not but in my happy place, I'm sure of it. *insert smile here* I have to thank everyone who has said good things about my blog. It really encourages me to keep posting. I love everyone who reads what I have to say and I really hope that you keep coming back! Happy Birthday Blog. It's a shame that my blog can't eat, I would love to bake it this cake as a birthday gift....

To the person reading this right now, you, I hope you know that you're amazing because you're you. Where ever you are in the world, if I could, I would give you a hug for being so phenomenal!

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!

love and travel

Today, I wrote love on my arm in support of TWLOHA and all of the people who are struggling with depression, addiction, self injury, and suicide. It's a cause that's very close to my heart and I want to support their efforts as much as I can. I have struggled with some of those things and it's comforting to know that someone out there supports you even when you don't even realize it.

I also made of list of places I would like to visit next summer. I still have to narrow it down. =]

• Egypt
• South Africa
• Jamaica
• Grenada
• England
• Greece
• India
• France

new chapter: coming soon.

It's so hard to pay attention when it's sometimes so much easier for me to daydream. There are so many things to think about. Especially when I'm so excited about starting school this summer.

In just a few short months, 30 school days, I'll be done with high school and then just several days after that, I'll be starting my new life as a college freshman. It's just really exciting. I can't wait! I've started shopping and I have a few things in my suitcase. I've been doing scholarships and filling out tons of forms. So much work but I'm so happy to do it because it's all contributing to the upcoming chapter in my life.

That's not all my dreams are filled with however. I also dream of a time when my heart will be completely happy all of the time. I dream of how it would make my interactions with people different. I dream of how I'd look and how I would help others with their happy hearts, if that's there wish. Which reminds me that tomorrow, April 21, 2010, is To Write Love On Her Arms Day. I'll be writing love on my arm or wrist tomorrow of course. check out twloha if you haven't already. http://www.twloha.com/

I also dream of peace and how the world can achieve it.

I also dream of traveling the world and going away next summer. I wonder where I would go. I know that where ever I go, I'm sure I would fall in love with the place because I love learning and seeing new things. I think that tomorrow I'll begin a list of places I want to go to and things I want to see. I'll try to narrow it down by next summer.

I dream a lot, it's distracting but sometimes it's okay to escape from the rest of the world for a little bit and see what's really going on up there in my mind.

peace and violence do not mix!

My baby, this blog, is almost a year old already! My first post was on April 23, 2009 and the subject was Domestic Violence. (http://bit.ly/5t6Od) Since it's almost birthday time, I figured I would do another domestic violence post.

I wrote about it last year because I chose to wrote a research paper on it last year and with doing all of the research, I really became passionate about the topic. I've done more research and of course I have to share what I've learned here.

here are some simple facts on Domestic Violence; it's real, it's out there, and it happens more then we realize. It's not just physical abuse. It includes, emotional, psychological, social, financial, sexual, and physical abuse. It includes stalking, intimidation, talking down to, emotional blackmail, pushing, shoving, hitting, slapping, victim being kept away from family and friends, victim being forced to participate in sexual acts against their will, keeping the victim from having job and not allowing them to have any money, punching, kicking, etc. It's also important to know that it happens to both men and women. Over one billion Americans have been affected by domestic violence at some point in their life time.

Here are some more facts from a resource guide provided by Avon.

• Many women will not leave an abusive relationship because she fears the safety of herself and her children
• Women ages 16 to 24 experience the highest per capita rates of partner violence.
• Those who participate in dating violence are more likely to participate in binge drinking, fighting and/or smoking, and are at an increased risk of suffering from mental illness.
• Every 9 seconds in the U.S. a person is woman is assaulted or beaten.
• Up to 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually
  
• Victims of domestic violence lose nearly 8 million days of paid work per year in the U.S.
• The cost of intimate partner violence exceeds 5.4 billion dollars per year.
• Men who witnessed their parents' violence as children were twice as likely to abuse their own partners than sons of nonviolent parents.

Violence doesn't have a face, we can't always see it when it's coming our way. However, together we can get rid of all this violence. We can help stop the violence that is hurting so many people. If you see abuse, say something, try to help before it gets worse. No one deserves to die from abuse. Teach others the statistics. Look out for the warning sign. Make posters. Let's try to do whatever it takes to help.

Here are several resources that can help you join the mission against domestic violence:

• http://seeitandstopit.org
• http://safeyouth.org
• http://chooserespect.org
• http://breakthecycle.org
• http://loveisrespect.org
• http://dosomething.org
• http://avonfoundation.org
• http://ndvh.com
• http://endabuse.com
• http://ncadv.org
• http://nnedv.com
• http://ncvc.com
• http://ncdsv.org
• http://ncvc.org
• http://childhelp.org
• http://childwitenesstoviolence.org
• http://preventchildabuse.org

Remember that peace is possible. You've probably seen it a million times but violence is never the answer. Take a stand and demand respect. No one has the right to hurt you. Stand up against violence. Let's find some peace and love in this world. It's impossible for the world to have both. Let's put violence to an end! We can do it!

Meryl Streep

If I could ever become as successful as this woman in what ever I do, I will be extremely happy. I love this woman! She's so talented. She's one of my inspirations. I have a lot but she's definitely up there especially since I think she's always doing a phenomenal job. I really do love her work. She's awesome!

quote time.

"If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it."

I really should be working out right now but I saw this quote and I had to share it. It really made me think. often times people just wait for their desires to just happen. If we just wish upon a star, there is probably only a 5% chance that they will just happen without us putting any effort into it. A goal is already have way reached the moment we set it but we can't just sit and wait for it to be accomplished. We have to take action if we want things to be done in a way that is best for us. It's like peace. We can't just talk about it and expect it to happen. That's why I spread love because I'm taking action. I spread love in the form of smiles, random quotes, cookies, cupcakes, and talking with people, just wanted to clear that up ;)

If we keep waiting and it seems like things just aren't happening, then try your best to make it happen. Your actions determine your life and how special could your life be if you just sit there and expect things to happen? it's okay to swim a little or a lot to reach your shining stars.

hey hey hey

To the person reading this...YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. it may be a bad day. Someone might be making you angry, you may be screaming on the inside or you could be having a wonderful day. You could be relaxed and enjoying the weather. What ever is going on today in your life, I hope that you know that you are amazingly beautiful and you deserve the entire universe for the small price of your smile. I love you! :) ♥

formspring.me

write something in the box please!! =] <3 http://formspring.me/kiyannashanay

list of some things that I believe to be true..

• Peace is possible. It's just going to be really hard to achieve.
• Smile are beautiful and precious and wonderful.
• being true to yourself can be hard sometimes but it's pretty awesome
• love knows no barriers. at least it shouldn't. I'm not talking about let's get married love though. I'm talking about I care for you and you care for me, I respect you and you respect me, I won't harm you with words from my mouth...etc. hopefully you get it! =]
• Watching kids cartoons, the good ones, really calm me down. The ones like Arthur, Rugrats, the Smurfs, the magic school bus, recess, the little mermaid, stuff like that.
• One day our wishes will come true, the safe ones that won't get anyone in jail unlike my wish to kidnap Rupert Grint which I won't ever pursue because I'll end up in jail and then on the news all over the world...it's just too much work
• Good friends are hard to find. That's probably why they give the best hugs and have the best smiles and are just filled with awesome.
• some guys let me down but I learn from them and I guess it's a good thing that they treat me bad because it's a lesson. a valuable life lesson.... [-_-]
• you cannot shame someone into becoming someone they're not. It won't work.
• working out is fun
• coloring is fun
• baking is fun
• I can love me some me and some days I don't and I'm okay with that.
• Hope is wonderful
• Peace is possible ♥

oh yeah...spring is here!

Spring is here. I'm finally in my last quarter of high school and college is quickly approaching. Sometimes I wonder how some one prepares for college. I watch a different world a lot and I've been doing scholarships and shopping *inserts giant grin here* and all that other stuff that they tell that you should be doing but how do I know when I'm officially ready. I do know that I'm super excited to enter this phase of my life. I'm ready for the new. Ready to face a new and different world. I can't wait! :) ♥

hey you!

I got this from a gorgeous and wonderful girl on OUTS 2.0 on Facebook. I thought it was wonderful and had to share so here it is!

It says: hey you! the one reading this right now...you are amazing, beautiful, incredible, and you can get through anything. No matter what you do, you can't change that...soo you might as well just shut up and accept the fact that you're Remarkable

he could be the one...

or not......who knows?

That's what I thought but maybe he wasn't. He wants some things that I don't want to give him and all I wanted was to be wanted and have some one who I could trust and talk to. Some one who could be there for me and I could be there for them. I knew that it wasn't going to work out all that great when he started asking some very odd questions...I should have set him straight then but he paid so much attention to me. He told me things that I had been longing to hear. I was trapped. But then he changed his mind. I really only liked him because he treated me like I was special maybe that's the issue. It was probably wrong to like him for that reason instead of liking him for who he is but I couldn't help it, he just made me feel so wanted and I couldn't help but not like him. There was also the thing about his smile and him making me smile etc...it helped a lot but not enough to be more important than the fact he made me feel beautiful and special. I'll figure this whole guy thing out one day. And when I find him, he will be worth the wait and I hope that I'll like him for him and he'll like me for me. All a girl can do is hope, experience, learn, and wait.

quote time :)

"Why would God make us all so different if he wanted us to be the same?"

**Happy Easter if you celebrate it!

when you look in the mirror, remember that there is an beautiful and unique person looking back at you.

I love you! :) ♥

quote

"We're part of a bigger story."

-TWLOHA ♥

just so you know, you're not alone.

The world is waiting.

I want to travel the world. I don't want to stay in any little box. The world is waiting for peace and love. To achieve that, I think that we have to be open and willing to explore and accept cultures and traditions outside of our own. I don't understand why more people aren't interested in learning about others. Just because something isn't familiar to you doesn't mean it's bad. Fit it into your schema! Everyone, in every part of the world, needs love. I'm sure that one of the first steps to having that love and peace in the world is accepting people for who they are and loving them because they're beautiful and remarkable and precious. We may not believe in all the same things and we may not all look the same but that's what makes it so exciting. The countless opportunities to see more smiles and to see what love looks like around the world, why shouldn't we want that? I think that's a wonderful desire to learn more about other cultures without disrespecting them. Too often I see and hear people talk harshly about some religions and traditions and entire nations and it makes me think, if you've never lived that way, and you don't know anything about it other than what you've researched, who are you to criticize and judge them? Try to go out and see the world through their eyes. Show them love and respect. It's what we would all like for ourselves and our beliefs. Why then do so many people continue to disrespect the world outside of what they see to be "the right way to live." The world is beautiful. It could be full of love and peace if we just open our eyes and our hearts to accept what's outside of our boxes. It will be worth it.

*first posted on http://www.sisteriisister.blogspot.com/ a wonderful blog featuring posts from beautiful women of all ages