I saved me.

When I was sad, no one noticed. When I cried no one noticed. So I just pretended to be happy when I was strong enough even if that meant I had to go the bathroom and cry or go home and lock myself in my room until I felt better, not caring about the measures I took to make that happen. Now I just don't know where pretend happiness ends and real happiness starts or where pretend happiness starts and real happiness ends.

I'm still depressed sometimes for long periods, not as long as I was before but still unaware of what brought it on. When it was really bad and I was dealing with it in all the wrong ways I realized that it probably wouldn't make a difference if I just acted happy and "normal" even though I was screaming and crying on the inside. People didn't notice that I was sad so why put on a show for them. I was just being ignored even while I was crying in my classes so why not just act like a happy little bee and that way at least, I'd be noticed. It was so tiring though. At the end of the day I had to come home and cry or cut or just eat until I couldn't think about the rest of the world anymore even though I knew that the next day, it would be the same process and the same struggle to keep my pain inside and still remain happy on the outside because honestly, after a while, I figured that my pain, my sadness, my tears, and the screams that I was holding inside of me were no one else's buisness. In my mind these people that ignored my tears and ignored my obvious sadness when it was still there couldn't help me in anyway. They couldn't even notice that there was something wrong in the beginning. It was just pointless to me so I only let them see the person who I wanted to be. The person who I wish would come and rescue me and that person did rescue me, I think. I'm pretty sure that my happiness is real now and not just an act. I think that this person I became is really me now. This person rescued the sad person and now they live side by side trying to rescue other people who may be struggling and hopefully, the happy hero can just eliminate the sad civilian unless maybe that sad person is necessary for me to realize how far I've come and what I want to save others from. I'm really thankful for this happy person who rescues me who's always there for that sad part of me because I don't like going to the bathroom and crying at school. I didn't like crying in my classes, it just didn't feel right and I'm proud of myself for rescuing me.