Just finished reading something special. For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow is Enuf is a choreopoem by Ntozake Shange. I read this and it made me feel special. It makes me feel powerful in my own skin. I was finishing it on the bus and holding back tears. Right before I finished reading this, I took the time to read an article called
Black Girls and Suicide. It was a really emotional commute for me. It's definitely something I would recommend. I also highly recommend the Black Girls and Suicide article.
Here are some of my favorite parts and quotes:
"& this is for colored girls who have considered suicide / but are moving to the ends of their own rainbows"
♥
“my love is too delicate to have thrown back on my face.
my love is too beautiful to have thrown back on my face.
my love is too sanctified to have thrown back on my face.
my love is too magic to have thrown back on my face.
my love is too saturday nite to have thrown back on my face.
my love is too complicated to have thrown back on my face.
my love is too music to have thrown back on my face.”
♥
I just love this part to pieces. These words, like so many others in the book touched me so much.
My love is too delicate to have thrown back in my face. I cannot trust it with just anyone. It is very important to me to give my love and my self only to those who I think deserve it. I've decided that I don't want to be stepped on. I don't want to put something do important to me in the hands of someone who doesn't value it. One of biggest battles and one thing that I try so hard to change is my feeling guilty about being selfish about my own self. I am priceless. You are priceless. We don't have to share any part of ourselves with anyone else. What you want to share is up to you. What I share is up to me. The decision is mine. Through recovery, self discovery, self realizations, triumphs, sadnesses and successes, my magical love has held me when no one else could and I'm not in any position to just throw it around.
♥
"this is mine/ this ain't yr stuff/
now why don't you put me back & let me hang out in my own self"
"wontchu put me back/
"stealing my shit from me/ don't make it yrs / makes it stolen/"
"if it's really my stuff/ ya gotta give it to me / if ya really want it / i'm the only one / can handle it"
My experiences are mine and they are valid. My life is my own and not to be compared with anyone else's. I refuse to have my accomplishments shared while I drown in my losses alone.
Protect yourself from people that only want to be there for the highs. Watch out for those who are only around when you're up. Some people only want to share your successes but are no where to be found when you need help or when you're down.
Be careful not to compare your life and your "stuff" to other people's. You are living one life and one life only and it is yours. There is no competition. We were not put on this planet to race or compete with anyone. Live your life to the best of your ability. It's the only one you have so don't waste it focusing on someone else's.
You belong to you. I belong to me! I am my own woman.
♥
"one thing i don't need
is any more apologies
i got sorry greetin me at my front door
you can keep yrs
i dont know what to do wit em
they dont open doors
or bring the sun back
they dont make me happy
or get a morning paper
didnt nobody stop usin my tears to wash cars
cuz a sorry
i am simply tired of collectin"
It's hard to hear sorry sometimes. It's almost like a reflex to some people. Sometimes it doesn't have any meaning behind it. Sometimes I get sick of that word "sorry." I want to hear someone take responsibility. I think apologies should mean something. Don't even get me started on those super fake apologies that sound like, "I'm sorry that you think I did something wrong." What does that even mean? When you apologize, you should take responsibility instead of placing the blame on the person you've wronged. Sometimes I just don't know how to feel about "I'm sorry." Most times I appreciate the effort but "sorry" doesn't always fix anything and sometimes people don't even mean it.
"let sorry soothe yr soul / i'm gonna soothe mine"
♥
"but bein alive & bein a woman & being colored is a metaphysical dilemma / i havent conquered yet / do you see the point my spirit is too ancient to understand the separation of soul & gender / my love is too delicate to have thrown back on my face"
♥
"i found god in myself
& I loved her / i loved her fiercely"
