I bid you feelings farewell!

So I've reflected on my senior year and I've finally figured out how I felt for it and I can now explain the emotional roller coaster that was the epitome of my senior year. I thought about it one night, several nights actually, and it actually made it cry.

To sum it up, I guess I can say that I didn't really like it....I think I actually used the word hate when I was thinking about it. So I think it would best to just let it all out. I apoligize in advanced i it doesn't make any sense. I just want to remember the feeling so that it's clear to me that I'm out of the darkness and I'm actually happy now. I'm a happier person now. It's not perfect but I really like it.

Basically, my senior year and most of my high school experience was extrememly mentally, emotionally, and physically draining. I think I had to struggle a lot with making it through the day and it was really hard to fight so hard just to make it through a day and then a week and then a year. It was unbelieveable now that I think about it. Im really proud of mysel because I did make it through and there were many times that I was really close to not making it.

I was so unhappy the I'm not sure where real happiness began and pretend happiness ended. I basically felt no love unless I was at home and when I was home it was hard to be loving because I was so tired of fighting through the day. It was just ruining so many things or me. I hated all the crying. I was sick of sitting in classes crying or going to the bathroom to go cry. I was sick of feeling alone in such a crowded place. I think it was more than just feeling alone though. I didn't feel like I was accepted for being myself and what else was I really supposed to be? I thought I was pretty okay, average, and most days I loved me. I'm not like a lot of the people I was surrounded by but so what if I'm different. I like different things, I listen to different kinds of music, that's me and it was absolutely disgusting that I was teased for things like that by people in high school, people preparing for the real world, to be adults and that's how they treated people. Like they were little kids and bullying was okay.

That high school is the only place that I know of in this entire world where about 98% of the population is okay with hurting people and knowing that they hurt people. Sometimes it was more than just being okay with it. I've seen people be happy with the fact that they know they've hurt someone and it was so heartbreaking to me. I'm sure no one likes getting hurt but it's probably hard to get hurt when you can hurt someone so easily.

I was just sick of how clear the presence of dishonesty was. Even when I think of it now, I can barely pick out who was true and who wasn't. I'm not stupid though. I know that I only had a few friends because hey I wasn't accepted but what really hurt me was when people tarnish my random acts of kindness. I knew that they were stupid and useless but they were the only things keeping me sane. If I didn't see love or kindness or any form of compassion then I had to cry so I couldn't let that happen even if it meant I had to put inspirational quotes on little cards or stay up to bake cookies for people who didn't really care. It was crazy though, I loved doing it because it made my heart happy even though people made it known how annoyed they were by it. I couldn't stop because if I did then I would have nothing else to make me happy except for the fact that the end of the year was near and I didn't have to deal with it anymore. It was so hard for me to watch so many happy people and just know that I could never be happy in that environment.

It felt like, by their standards, I didn't deserve that and I never will but everyone deserves happiness and love and it was just unbelieveable to be around so many people and get the vibe that I didn't matter because I didn't look a certain way and I didn't dress a certain way, and I didn't like certain things and although your heart is broken, the vibe that "we don't care because you're not worth it." That's how I felt for pretty much 90% of my senior year.

I'm so happy now though and I learned so much from what I went through. I learned that the town and high school I was in sucks all the energy and happiness out of me and that's a really good thing to know. I know where not to start a family. I know that the tears and the broken heart wasn't just me. There was nothing wrong with me. That's something that I really needed to figure out. Most importantly, I learned that I am worth happiness and love. I was just blinded by the blind, unaccepting and uncaring people around me.

PS, my goal wasn't to offend anyone. I just needed to let it out and share my story.