my henna tattoo!

"All the flowers of tomorrow are in the seeds that we sow today."

I know it's hard right now but one day I'll wake up and it'll all be working. I was thinking about giving up buy I'm worth so much more than that. I'm gonna keep on keeping on. Tomorrow is a brand new day and I'm putting my heart in to it. Nothing is going to hold me back anymore. People have worked too hard to get me here and I have to make it for me so that I'll be the happy princess that they want me to be. The princess that I've been trying to be for ages.

Everytime I look at it, I smile. I'm so glad it's there. I've been needing an instant smile lately.

hmmmm....

Have you ever had those negative people in your life that you just want to tell them, "be gone. you don't get me. you make fun of everything that I do. you want me to be just like you but I'm not and since you can except that then get out of my life! I'm my own person and I like what I like and just because they aren't identical doesn't mean that I'm stupid, or weird, or anything like that. except that or let me be. stop making fun of me for being true to myself!"? It's like when I'm around those people, I become a more negative spirit myself but it's hard to stay away because sometimes you really care about these people and don't want to just give up on them.

I find it really hard since everyday I'm fighting to love myself more and to be more positive for me so I don't have to sit in the shower and cry or have all of those suicidal thoughts becasue I know that my life is beautiful and precious and I deserve to be happy. Happiness is one size fits all and I refuse to let anyone influence me against me or make me think that I can't be happy or that it's wrong being true to myself and living my life for me.

I'll just say that it's a little bump in the road for today and even though it was a pretty big bump, the smiles still outweighed the frowns and a happy heart of mine is in the winning corner. My smiles won today especially with the lovely lyrics of Beautiful Flower by India Arie stuck in my head.

There is nothing in the world that you cannot do
When you believe in you,
who are beautiful
Yeah, you, who are brilliant
Yeah, you, who are
powerful
Yeah, you, who are resilient

you're amazing just the way you are

we have a radio in our community bathroom and it's set on a local radio station here and as you probably know, local radio stations play the same 5 songs all day long. Luckily, this song is one of them and I always hope that it's playing when I go in the bathroom or when I'm walking by on my way to class. I've easily fallen in love with song. It was clearly written for every girl in the world. Obviously :) I believe it anyway. This song makes me smile. It makes my heart very, very happy.

REASONS TO SMILE (9/22/10)

• it's the middle of the week. woot woot!
• so far today, I've heard "just the way you are" at least 5 times today
• I just finished listening to one of my favorite heart happy song, it's "Beautiful Flower" by India Arie. It's so empowering! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Zbn7Khv8zM
• I finished my math homework
• our floor is having girls night tonight which I've been looking forward to all week
• I found out that I got an A on the project that I did on the play the Waiting Room by Lisa Loomer. My project was basically a collage on the obsession that women and the media place on the body and body image and how we need to love ourselves and break all the mirrors in the world and just know that we are beautiful. It's a fun class and it was a fun project
• I had a caramel frappucino today...it was amazing!
• I watched friends today. I love that show and I haven't seen it in forever so I was pretty excited that I had the time to watch it.
• I had a mini "jam" session during my break in between classes. I listened to all of my favorite inspirational and beautiful songs....not all of them because I don't have enough time but I did listen to enough to stop freaking about the math quiz I have to take later
• I'm happy
  

Iza is doing a giveaway!! =D

http://theiza.blogspot.com/2010/09/i-love-my-readers-giveaway.html?zx=e1c039e8ce80e47b

check it out as well as the rest of her blog because she's just so awesome! =]

I bid you feelings farewell!

So I've reflected on my senior year and I've finally figured out how I felt for it and I can now explain the emotional roller coaster that was the epitome of my senior year. I thought about it one night, several nights actually, and it actually made it cry.

To sum it up, I guess I can say that I didn't really like it....I think I actually used the word hate when I was thinking about it. So I think it would best to just let it all out. I apoligize in advanced i it doesn't make any sense. I just want to remember the feeling so that it's clear to me that I'm out of the darkness and I'm actually happy now. I'm a happier person now. It's not perfect but I really like it.

Basically, my senior year and most of my high school experience was extrememly mentally, emotionally, and physically draining. I think I had to struggle a lot with making it through the day and it was really hard to fight so hard just to make it through a day and then a week and then a year. It was unbelieveable now that I think about it. Im really proud of mysel because I did make it through and there were many times that I was really close to not making it.

I was so unhappy the I'm not sure where real happiness began and pretend happiness ended. I basically felt no love unless I was at home and when I was home it was hard to be loving because I was so tired of fighting through the day. It was just ruining so many things or me. I hated all the crying. I was sick of sitting in classes crying or going to the bathroom to go cry. I was sick of feeling alone in such a crowded place. I think it was more than just feeling alone though. I didn't feel like I was accepted for being myself and what else was I really supposed to be? I thought I was pretty okay, average, and most days I loved me. I'm not like a lot of the people I was surrounded by but so what if I'm different. I like different things, I listen to different kinds of music, that's me and it was absolutely disgusting that I was teased for things like that by people in high school, people preparing for the real world, to be adults and that's how they treated people. Like they were little kids and bullying was okay.

That high school is the only place that I know of in this entire world where about 98% of the population is okay with hurting people and knowing that they hurt people. Sometimes it was more than just being okay with it. I've seen people be happy with the fact that they know they've hurt someone and it was so heartbreaking to me. I'm sure no one likes getting hurt but it's probably hard to get hurt when you can hurt someone so easily.

I was just sick of how clear the presence of dishonesty was. Even when I think of it now, I can barely pick out who was true and who wasn't. I'm not stupid though. I know that I only had a few friends because hey I wasn't accepted but what really hurt me was when people tarnish my random acts of kindness. I knew that they were stupid and useless but they were the only things keeping me sane. If I didn't see love or kindness or any form of compassion then I had to cry so I couldn't let that happen even if it meant I had to put inspirational quotes on little cards or stay up to bake cookies for people who didn't really care. It was crazy though, I loved doing it because it made my heart happy even though people made it known how annoyed they were by it. I couldn't stop because if I did then I would have nothing else to make me happy except for the fact that the end of the year was near and I didn't have to deal with it anymore. It was so hard for me to watch so many happy people and just know that I could never be happy in that environment.

It felt like, by their standards, I didn't deserve that and I never will but everyone deserves happiness and love and it was just unbelieveable to be around so many people and get the vibe that I didn't matter because I didn't look a certain way and I didn't dress a certain way, and I didn't like certain things and although your heart is broken, the vibe that "we don't care because you're not worth it." That's how I felt for pretty much 90% of my senior year.

I'm so happy now though and I learned so much from what I went through. I learned that the town and high school I was in sucks all the energy and happiness out of me and that's a really good thing to know. I know where not to start a family. I know that the tears and the broken heart wasn't just me. There was nothing wrong with me. That's something that I really needed to figure out. Most importantly, I learned that I am worth happiness and love. I was just blinded by the blind, unaccepting and uncaring people around me.

PS, my goal wasn't to offend anyone. I just needed to let it out and share my story.

President Obama talked about PEACE

On August 31st of 2010, President Obama addressed the nation on his plan to end the war in Iraq in hopes of creating more peace. The President addressed the combat in Iraq that has lasted the past ten years. President Obama discussed the toll that the war has taken on our country and the country of Iraq as well as our suffering economy. The statement the stood out the most to me was his decision to let the Iraqi people find peace on their own and to basically let them be and live their own lives.

Although it all sounds very wonderful, I thought President Obama’s speech was a very typical politician speech. In my opinion, the president was simply addressing his 2008 campaign promises. If his plans of ending combat in Iraq and instating a peace between the two countries, then I think the entire speech was wonderful and the plan is very promising. I have faith that it will work out. However, even though this is something that the nation has been wanting for years, I’m very sure that people will disapprove because it’s something that President Obama has brought up and it’s much more popular to disagree with the president than it is to agree with him. I think now that the president has chosen to go in the direction to end the war, our nation will be on a very bumpy road because we will need to recover after the war and after all of the troops come home. It’s going to be very hard for the troops when they come home. They will have to find jobs, which aren’t an easy task in this economy. They also have to struggle with issues like post-traumatic stress disorder which can be very hard for them and for their families. In my opinion, I think that the entire country will have to work together for the recovery process to go well and that might be our toughest hurdle. United we stand and divided we fall, they are such simple words but if we truly lived by them, our country could work wonders.

=D

‎"I believe everything happens for a reason! People change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so that you will eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes, good things fall apart, so better things can fall together."

- Marilyn Monroe

game day

I recently went to my first college football and it was awesome. We won!! 59-14! Which was awesome because we were pretty much covered in spirit. I ended up sitting about 5 rows away from the field. The stadium was awesome despite the over-priced food and drinks but the world is filled with over-priced everything!

It's a holliday weekend so I'm spending my monday trying to work ahead in my classes so that I can work ahead on some work and study for two upcoming exams and two projects that I have due soon. On the grind!

The Waiting Room

"I think Mother Nature has a cure for most everything...'cept human nature..."

So this week, I had to read a play called The Waiting Room. I had to read it as part of my women's study class, the female experience in America. I just finished the play. It wasn't too long, only about 75 pages but it carries a phenomenal impact. I mean, I am so excited that I had the chance to read the book. I learned so many things that I kind of already knew. It's like I gained a new persepctive on things that I though I had an awesome perspective on already. Also, I totally cried. I love books and movies that make me cry. To me, that means they hit a special place deep inside of me. Which I think is awesome it's crazy sometimes to think that books are so powerful. they don't have arms or legs and they don't have brains or anything but they have the power to reach into and sometimes just become apart of you and I think that's so marvelous.

In the play, there were a lot of instant favorite lines for me. Lines that I read, and I was just like, wow....this needs to be shared asap! So that's what I'm going to do. I hope everyone could get the chance to read this play and see it, hopefully, like I saw it.