March 20th

March 20, 2018 marked 7 years free of self-harm. When I realized that it was 7 years, I felt some happiness for making it this far but mostly I felt disappointed in myself. I realize that 7 years free of self-harm is a huge accomplishment but when I think about how my self-care practices could have been much better. It’s hard to want to celebrate an achievement like this when I’m still upset with myself for taking no breaks and ignoring my mental health the depressive and suicidal weeks after my last birthday.

I use my birthday as a time to reflect and recommit to healing, growth, and self love. While I know that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself because recovery and healing is important ongoing work, I know that I did myself a disservice and continue to do so when I ignore my mental health and put self-care on a back burner. I knew it was bad practice then but I figured that I just hadn’t had the time to adjust yet to balancing my mental health and my first full time job. I tried to make a commitment then to creating stronger boundaries and taking mental health days. That didn’t last too long and I was often overwhelmed by guilt from taking a day off with work not 100% as well as the dread of having to catch up on anything missed. It doesn’t help that sometimes it feels like there is a target on my back when I’m out of the office. When my job performance suffered following this post birthday suicidal depressive mess, I decided to be honest in hopes that being honest with my feelings would help me be more honest with myself and gain more support in my environment. I was reminded to prioritize my paperwork and my practice self care.So I did and I told myself that I wouldn’t take a day for myself unless everything was 100% done. I quickly realized that this is not possible. With that understanding, I tried to create boundaries and recommit to self care but unfortunately, that did not last very long. More than anything, I've been overwhelmed by guilt and disappointment for not taking better care of myself.

I'm trying to remind myself to be gentle with myself as I try to find balance. I deserve that much. I've put my mental health on a back burner and the more I realized this, the more I became upset with myself. For that I owe myself an apology. None of this is easy. I look at my deserving tattoo multiple times a day and know that I deserve to be here and I know that I deserve to put as much work and energy into myself as much as anything else. I'm working on no longer ignoring these truths because I am deserving. Reflecting on this anniversary and my affirmations, I'm going to commit to taking it one day at a time. I'm forgiving myself and committing to not being so hard on myself. I don't belong on the back burner so I'm not staying there anymore. I'm happy to be alive. I'm happy to be here and I'm worth all the hard work that healing requires. I'm prioritizing myself and my mental health because I am deserving.

There is a romance brewing here

Between joy and I.

I deserve her and she deserves me.

                               -Upile Chisala

25.

Quarter of a century and counting! I am so grateful to have made it around the sun, my ruling planet, 25 times. 25 years of beautiful brown skin, in possession of my grandfather’s eyes, my grandmother’s smile and loving spirit, and all of my hopes and dreams. I’m so happy to still be here. I’m still here…still breathing, still learning, still loving, still smiling—sometimes too much but that’s okay—still crying, like all the time and that’s okay too. These eyes and smile that I love so much are not just for show. They often tell my secrets and display my emotions. I’m happy to still be here and able to learn, everyday, more about my emotions and to listen to what my emotions are telling me. So emotions and all, I’m welcoming this new year and am prepared for the blessings and lessons that are in store for me.

I acknowledge and celebrate the accomplishments I’ve made over the past year, like earning my Masters and recommitting to while also being consistent with how I love and take care of myself. The past year also taught me a lot and lessons, some painful and some funny, have been useful. I learned more over the past year about loss, letting go, healing and recovery. In this new year I’m continuing to welcome lessons, continued growth, and unapologetic self-love.

I’m on a mission to become more in harmony with my spirit. For me, this looks like learning more about my emotions and paying attention to them. Becoming more in harmony with my spirit has been calling for me to be more mindful and pay attention to what’s coming up in my life. I’m focusing more on connecting with the universe and with my higher self. I am paying attention. I’m listening. I’m listening to the universe, to my body, and to my mind. I feel like this new year calls for being mindful, living in the moment, and being grateful. I’m getting better at the way I practice gratitude. I need to be more consistent in my practice of gratitude. When I do practice gratitude, I tend to feel more at peace and I honestly feel softer and more open. I’d like to feel that more often.

This year I am nicer to myself. I believe in myself. I love myself and others. I am open and listening. I welcome new challenges. My heart is filled with love and understanding. I am deserving. I am soft. I am strong. I am loving. I am grateful. I am complicated and complex. I am enough and I deserve to be here.

“A woman in harmony with her spirit is like a river flowing. She goes where she will without pretense and arrives at her destination to be prepared to be herself and only herself.”

-Maya Angelou

Sunflowers and affirmations

I recently got two tattoos, both of which I've been trying to get since late last year. I love that we have the ability and option to add art to our bodies like this. These are my 3rd and 4th tattoos and I love that I've been able to put empowering words and pictures on my body that mean something special to me. I've been so eager to get these two because they represent the affirmations I made for 24th year and my commitment to loving myself fully and unapologetically. I definitely wanted to get them done before my25th birthday, which I feel is quickly approaching. I also really wanted these reminders with me at all times. It feels right as I continue to find more and more harmony with my spirit.

Under my left wrist is the word deserving. My tagline/affirmation for this year of my life. "I am deserving." I deserving of unconditional love and self-love. I am deserving of healing energies. I am deserving of forgiveness. I deserve to be here. I am deserving.

On my right wrist is one of my forever and ever life mantras, "still I rise," words from the late and phenomenal Maya Angelou. Both Maya Angelou and her words have meant so much to me. Through the years her words have empowered me and saved me. I love being able to look at them every day under this beautiful sunflower. Sunflowers are one of my favorite flowers and I don't think that this is the last sunflower that I will have tattooed on my body. Unlike me, they are tall but they rise so high and I love the way that they stand tall in the sun. They are golden and brown, like me and I feel like they symbolize happiness and wholeness and joy and I call for as much of those qualities into my life as I can.

It's been such a blessing, and sometimes a distraction, seeing these affirmations--these incredible words--on my skin every day.

See my first tattoo here: my bumble-bee and my second tattoo here: i am mine  ♥

Live your best life

Memoirs and autobiographies are quickly becoming one of my favorite genres. I love being able to see into these women's incredible lives and I'm grateful that they chose to share their stories. Here are some amazing and inspiring quotes from 4 great memoirs/autobiographies to motivate you this week

 "I will claim myself for myself."

"I told a student today: You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Praise yourself as much as you fuss at yourself.' And I could have been talking to myself. And I was. And I will."

"I'm just really into walking in my purpose and saying yes to life right now. Ya know?"

 

"Change was in the air like a cloud and it was finally raining on me."

"Don't let anyone else take away your joy. If they don't want to be with you or around you, let them go. Pick up your shit and keep going. You came into the world by yourself, and the next person's lungs don't help you breathe."

“Love heals. Heals and liberates. I use the word love, not meaning sentimentality, but a condition so strong that it may be that which holds the stars in their heavenly positions, which causes the blood to flow orderly in our veins.”

 “Don't do anything that you think is wrong. Do what you think is right, and then be ready to back it up even with your life.” 

 

"Read everything. The more knowledge you have, the less a man can use you for poppy-show" 

 "I go from place to place spouting the gospel of courage and survival. I encourage victims to take hold of destiny and chart it for themselves."

Reasons to Smile

Two years ago timehop showed me a now 7-year-old tweet that said, "I love me some me" which felt like a message from the universe because I was having a horrible day and finding it very hard to love any aspect of myself. I tried to get myself together by writing about it and trying to feel beautiful. I spent some time reflecting on one of my favorite quotes from Nayyirah Waheed, "I have always been the women of my dreams." That day, despite heartache, I tried to reaffirm my commitment to loving myself fiercely and continuously, to the best of my ability.

The now 7-year-old tweet and accompanying 2-year-old selfie.

Rereading my post from my re-commitment to self love 2 years ago, what really stands out to me is "to the best of my ability." This journey of self love was not linear before this day two years ago and has not been linear since. It's an up and down and sometimes wobbly journey that confuses me but teaches me so much, especially in the last year or so.

I think that one of the more major things that I've noticed distracts from my ability to love myself has been my failure to focus on the good and comparing myself to others or, more dangerously, some idealized vision of myself.  There are so many times when instead of celebrating my success or living in what is good and happening in the moment. I graduated last December and earned my Master of Social Work with a 3.75. Almost 4 months later and I can admit to myself that I actually did really well my final semester an overall. Immediately after finals week, however, I was distraught over my grade on one paper that  I worked really hard on but didn't get the A that I wanted, that I just knew I was going to get after pouring so much of myself into that paper because I saw myself getting a 4.0 that semester. I kept thinking of all the people who don't procrastinate or don't have anxiety attacks over one final paper. That alone made it even harder to work on this one assignment. I spent so much energy on being upset with that one paper and focusing on alternate world 4.0 Kiyanna instead of my current life that I forgot to really celebrate all of this moment. This achievement is my own and although there are many people who have done better and have higher grades, I still deserve to give myself time to be in the moment and celebrate it.

Another big distraction has been running and staying in spaces and energies that make me feel unworthy. Realizing this has been leading me to paying more attention to how I'm feeling around certain people and in different situations. It led me to my 24th year birthday affirmation, "I am deserving." It's been helping me listen to myself and trust my intuitions more. Most importantly, I think that it has helped me question my experiences more. I've been thinking more about what lessons I'm learning from past and present experiences and relationships. I've been been journaling and reflecting more and really just learning so much about myself. Protecting my mental health and my emotional well being are on the top of my priority list and it's been working really well for me these past few weeks.

It's not a perfect journey and I don't think its ever meant to be but I'm really glad to be working on loving myself continuously.  I'm really glad I'm alive to experience the ups and downs of this journey. I love learning about myself and how to better love myself. I love me some me.

♥


ps. if you read all of this, pray for me during this job search!

Blessings from Poetry

In honor of Women's History Month, I would like to highlight these wonderful poets whose words truly keep me afloat by speaking to my soul. I've been so thankful for this poets and their work over the past year or so. I turn to their words to relieve stress, to find comfort, to cry, to laugh, to affirm myself, and to heal. I cherish these poets and these collections so much because they so beautifully articulate feelings of heartbreak and pain, childhood, our connections to our ancestors, relationships with ourselves and with others, and so much more. I've carried these books of poetry and prose and shared them to help others heal and be inspired as well.


Here are some beautiful words from these talented artists to help you get through this week. May they speak to you and guide you through anything you may be going through. Enjoy!

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From Nectar by Upile Chisala

From Soft Magic by Upile Chisala

From Questions for Ada by Ijeoma Umebinyuo

From Nejma by Nayyirah Waheed

From Bone by Yrsa Daley-Ward

From Preparing My Daughter for Rain by Key Ballah

From Teaching My Mother How to Give Birth by Warsan Shire

From Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur

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You deserve to have a good week. Take care of yourself.

Books I Read: Imani All Mine

Imani All Mine by Connie Rose Porter has been one of my absolute favorite books since I first read it in the seventh grade. I loved and still love reading stories about black girls that feel authentic--stories that felt like they were about people I see in my own life. I had already loved reading and was always getting lost in books long before I read this book but this book holds a very special place in my heart because it took me on an emotional roller coaster. I'm a very emotional person. I feel emotions very intensely and this wonderful piece of literature had me sobbing uncontrollably in my room the morning I finished it when I was supposed to be getting ready for school. I had no idea that books could have that power over me. I fell in love.

I personally think it's a must read. Imani All Mine is a honest and real story that anyone can find themselves in. Imani All Mine tells the story of Tasha, a fourteen-year-old single mother. Throughout this book we see the various impacts of race, stigma, trauma, poverty, and faith on Tasha's life. I was excited to read this book again as a part of The Free Black Women's Library's 2017 Reading Challenge, a book from your childhood. I was really excited to read this book again as an adult and compare the experiences.

Reading it as an adult, what I find the most interesting about this book is Tasha's relationship with religion and Christianity. We're able to see what, I feel, is a very honest relationship with God. One that relies on faith and blessings but also openly questions how this religion can work in a world where horrible things happen to innocent people and where horrible people can be forgiven for the awful things that they have done. This is a challenge for a lot of people trying to maintain their faith when going through difficult times.

"God is a mystery to me."

Another really important part is the description of the way that memories of trauma not only live in our minds but throughout our entire bodies as well. When incredibly stressful or traumatizing events happen to people the impact that they have on their bodies can last for a long time after the initial event happens. In Tasha's world it would be expected to get over things quickly and move on with life but the body remembers.

"The places where there is memory in you. Underneath your tongue. The middle of your bones. The lonesome spaces deep inside."

I loved reading this book again! It definitely took me back to the seventh grade and I discovering some themes I didn't notice when I was 12. I was definitely moved to tears and uncontrollable sobbing again. I'm still so in love with this book. If you have not read this book yet, you definitely should.

Happy Reading! ♥

The Sisters are Alright

I started my year of reading The Sisters Are Alright by Tamara Winfrey Harris and I’m so glad that I did! Reading The Sisters Are Alright so wonderfully reminded me of the black girl magic within me. It truly is a wonderful read. It’s fun and east to read and it covers so many different important aspects of black womanhood. What’s wrong with black women? Not a damned thing! It’s so empowering to feel the love for black women flow through the pages. Black womanhood is complex and special. It would be impossible to fit all of that magic into one book but this is a great place to start.

            “I love black women, and I want the world to love black women too.”

 On of my favorite components of the book are the "moments in alright" that highlight some of the amazing work that black women are doing in this world. Here's a really important one that actually helped me find a great resource for a paper and a group therapy that I designed. This moment also further affirms me on a path of becoming a black therapist.

 Moments in Alright:

"Believing that sexuality educators, therapists, counselors, and doctors must have more representation by women of color, the Women of Color Sexual Health Network is devoted to empowering and including more women of color, including black women, in he field of sexuality, sexology, and sexual health."

This book wonderfully covers so many important topics including the stereotypes we face as black women, the strong woman narrative, motherhood, respect, relationships, health, and so much more. It leaves you with a desire to continue to learn more about black women. This book was the beginning of a year of reading amazing works by and about black women. I made a short list of nonfiction and fiction works that would be great to read after reading this wonderful book that gives you so much to think about.

Further and Recommended Reading:

• Sister Citizen by Melissa Harris-Perry
• For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf
• Fast Tailed Girls
• Beloved by Toni Morrison
• Jessica Valenti – Full Frontal Feminism
• Ain’t I a Mommy
• Mammy, Jezebel, Sapphire, and their Homegirls
• Soft Magic by Upile Chisala
• Salt by Nayyirah Waheed

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Pushout: The Criminalization of Black Girls in School by Monique M. Morris.

We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Assata: An Autobiography

The Color Purple by Alice Walker

  Bad Feminist by Roxane Gay

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A Few More Quotes I Loved:

"Why am I going to fight what I am? I am made to be a beautiful woman on my own terms, why not just embrace that and be that? Am I going to hate myself forever...or am I going to be free?"

"I do have a right to be treated with respect--to demand respect. I wasn't wrong for doing that. We are never wrong for doing that."

 "What's wrong with black women?

Simple answer: Not a damned thing."

Happy Reading!!

♥

24.

It's the last night of my birthday month so I wanted to make sure I've given myself some time to reflect on growing another year older and record my thoughts. I am 24 years old. (Mid-Twenties? At the foot of mid-twenties??) I feel like the years are going by faster. Fast or slow, I'm so thankful to be here. So grateful to be here--still breathing, smiling, crying, and the whole lot. So welcoming of this new year and everything it will bring.

I'm claiming this year as a year of continued growth and self-love. If I could give this year a tagline it would be, "I am deserving." That's a truth that I've been reminding myself of daily lately. I'm deserving of love and self-love and I'm committing to loving myself completely and without apology this upcoming year because I am deserving.

I'm working on forgiving myself for pain that I've caused myself. For the years I didn't love myself. For the time I spent and still spend comparing myself to others and discrediting my own successes and achievements. Forgiving myself for being annoyed with myself when being trapped in the unpopular emotions like anger, sadness, embarrassment, etc. All emotions are important and serve a function. I'm working on forgiving myself for neglecting to validate my feelings because I am deserving.

I'm working on maintaining healthy self-care practices. With 4 more months left of Grad School I'm committing to taking more breaks and remembering to practice self-care even when I have so much work to finish. I learned in this past stressful summer semester that neglecting self-care is not going to reduce stress or anxiety, it's not going to make me work faster, and it's not going to help me get a 4.0. In my experience it makes me sad and stressed--not a great feeling. I've been working on releasing feelings of guilt that make me feel like a slacker when I take a break or a day off from doing my work. I'm working on healing from shame and guilt because I am deserving.

 I'm working on healing. I'm working on celebrating myself and loving myself for who I am. I'm working on surrounding myself with clean healing energy. I'm working on leaving toxic spaces and "leaving the table when love is no longer being served." I'm working on loving myself unconditionally and learning as much about myself as this year has to offer because I am deserving.

I'm still full of dreams. I'm complex. I'm strong and soft at the same time. I am deserving. 

Happy Birthday to Meeee!!!

Ain't I A Woman

In 1851 at the Women's Right Convention in Akron, Ohio, Sojourner Truth delivered her famous "Ain't I A Woman?" speech and it is still a very important part of our culture and history. This speech is still highly celebrated, shared, and taught. We're still having conversations about who women's rights are for. Sometimes when we're talking about rights we forget that our identities overlap and therefore the rights we're gonna fight for should overlap as well.

Ain't I A Woman is always a great read. Unfortunately there's no way to see these words being read by Sojourner Truth herself but many women have recited them and there is so much beauty and power in all of their performances. I posted some of my favorites below. Enjoy!














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"Well, children, where there is so much racket there must be something out of kilter. I think that 'twixt the negroes of the South and the women at the North, all talking about rights, the white men will be in a fix pretty soon. But what's all this here talking about?

That man over there says that women need to be helped into carriages, and lifted over ditches, and to have the best place everywhere. Nobody ever helps me into carriages, or over mud-puddles, or gives me any best place! And ain't I a woman? Look at me! Look at my arm! I have ploughed and planted, and gathered into barns, and no man could head me! And ain't I a woman? I could work as much and eat as much as a man - when I could get it - and bear the lash as well! And ain't I a woman? I have borne thirteen children, and seen most all sold off to slavery, and when I cried out with my mother's grief, none but Jesus heard me! And ain't I a woman?

Then they talk about this thing in the head; what's this they call it? [member of audience whispers, "intellect"] That's it, honey. What's that got to do with women's rights or negroes' rights? If my cup won't hold but a pint, and yours holds a quart, wouldn't you be mean not to let me have my little half measure full?

Then that little man in black there, he says women can't have as much rights as men, 'cause Christ wasn't a woman! Where did your Christ come from? Where did your Christ come from? From God and a woman! Man had nothing to do with Him.

If the first woman God ever made was strong enough to turn the world upside down all alone, these women together ought to be able to turn it back , and get it right side up again! And now they is asking to do it, the men better let them.

Obliged to you for hearing me, and now old Sojourner ain't got nothing more to say."

-Sojourner Truth