March 20th

March 20, 2018 marked 7 years free of self-harm. When I realized that it was 7 years, I felt some happiness for making it this far but mostly I felt disappointed in myself. I realize that 7 years free of self-harm is a huge accomplishment but when I think about how my self-care practices could have been much better. It’s hard to want to celebrate an achievement like this when I’m still upset with myself for taking no breaks and ignoring my mental health the depressive and suicidal weeks after my last birthday.

I use my birthday as a time to reflect and recommit to healing, growth, and self love. While I know that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself because recovery and healing is important ongoing work, I know that I did myself a disservice and continue to do so when I ignore my mental health and put self-care on a back burner. I knew it was bad practice then but I figured that I just hadn’t had the time to adjust yet to balancing my mental health and my first full time job. I tried to make a commitment then to creating stronger boundaries and taking mental health days. That didn’t last too long and I was often overwhelmed by guilt from taking a day off with work not 100% as well as the dread of having to catch up on anything missed. It doesn’t help that sometimes it feels like there is a target on my back when I’m out of the office. When my job performance suffered following this post birthday suicidal depressive mess, I decided to be honest in hopes that being honest with my feelings would help me be more honest with myself and gain more support in my environment. I was reminded to prioritize my paperwork and my practice self care.So I did and I told myself that I wouldn’t take a day for myself unless everything was 100% done. I quickly realized that this is not possible. With that understanding, I tried to create boundaries and recommit to self care but unfortunately, that did not last very long. More than anything, I've been overwhelmed by guilt and disappointment for not taking better care of myself.

I'm trying to remind myself to be gentle with myself as I try to find balance. I deserve that much. I've put my mental health on a back burner and the more I realized this, the more I became upset with myself. For that I owe myself an apology. None of this is easy. I look at my deserving tattoo multiple times a day and know that I deserve to be here and I know that I deserve to put as much work and energy into myself as much as anything else. I'm working on no longer ignoring these truths because I am deserving. Reflecting on this anniversary and my affirmations, I'm going to commit to taking it one day at a time. I'm forgiving myself and committing to not being so hard on myself. I don't belong on the back burner so I'm not staying there anymore. I'm happy to be alive. I'm happy to be here and I'm worth all the hard work that healing requires. I'm prioritizing myself and my mental health because I am deserving.

There is a romance brewing here

Between joy and I.

I deserve her and she deserves me.

                               -Upile Chisala

Blessings from Poetry

In honor of Women's History Month, I would like to highlight these wonderful poets whose words truly keep me afloat by speaking to my soul. I've been so thankful for this poets and their work over the past year or so. I turn to their words to relieve stress, to find comfort, to cry, to laugh, to affirm myself, and to heal. I cherish these poets and these collections so much because they so beautifully articulate feelings of heartbreak and pain, childhood, our connections to our ancestors, relationships with ourselves and with others, and so much more. I've carried these books of poetry and prose and shared them to help others heal and be inspired as well.


Here are some beautiful words from these talented artists to help you get through this week. May they speak to you and guide you through anything you may be going through. Enjoy!

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From Nectar by Upile Chisala

From Soft Magic by Upile Chisala

From Questions for Ada by Ijeoma Umebinyuo

From Nejma by Nayyirah Waheed

From Bone by Yrsa Daley-Ward

From Preparing My Daughter for Rain by Key Ballah

From Teaching My Mother How to Give Birth by Warsan Shire

From Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur

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You deserve to have a good week. Take care of yourself.

2015 Happiness Jar Reflection

This is my second year keeping a happiness jar. I loved it so much last year that I had to do it again and I plan on doing it next year as well. I didn't have dates on my memories last year so I made sure I did that this year. There were still some memories that I read and had to think about for a minute because I did not remember them happening at all. Next year I'm going to try to keep up with it better. Between maybe June and December I forgot to add memories so a few weeks ago I tried to remember every happy "jar-worthy" memory and add it to the jar. Despite forgetting about the jar for months at a time, I really love this activity.

I love that it's given me two great traditions. I love decorating my jar at the beginning of the year and I love sitting in my pajamas on New Year's Eve reading the moments from the year that brought me joy and reflecting on what I've learned over the past year. It's really nice.

One of the challenges of reading what I've put in the jar is reading and remembering great moments with people you are no longer on great terms with. This year I learned the importance of moving on. I found a 3 year old tweet today in my timehop that I think it just as relevant today, "at 11:59, keep the good and let go of the bad." Sometimes people are just passing through our lives but it doesn't mean that the shared moments aren't' memorable or that the lessons you've learned from them aren't significant.

Taking the time to reflect is what makes all the difference in how we're able to move on from certain moments. Take the time to love yourself and understand how the people in your life and your experiences are impacting your life and your energy. You are so deserving of love! I love that this activity gives me a chance to remember what good energy I've had around me during the year. My mind already does a great job at keeping bad memories so I'm thankful for a place to keep the good...in print too!

Overall I think I had a pretty good year. Life is full of surprises and challenges but I think I've really grown this year. I've learned to love myself in ways that I haven't before. There have been so many days when I've been so happy to be here and so appreciative of life and the people I love. I hope I can continue to bring this self love into the next year. I've felt more beautiful this entire year (life 98% of the time) and that's been so important for me. I'm so glad to have had another year of life and lessons, good and bad, and I'm excited to see what 2016 will bring.

I hope that 2016 brings you joy, happiness, healing, and anything else you need or desire. Good Luck! Sending you love and good wishes!

Summertime Smiles

Things are starting to heat up which means summertime and the heat that comes along with it is here. I used to have very difficult summers. The transition from living on a the schedule that comes with school to an overwhelming amount of free time used to lead to bouts of depression sometimes because I often had a lot more time t be alone with my thoughts. Being alone with your thoughts for too long leads to over-thinking things and reliving old moments which is never really the best thing to do. Sometimes I also miss sleeping in my own room and bed so although I love vacation, I miss the comfort of the safe space that is my bed.

The last two summers have been pretty good. I stayed where the air conditioning was if there was any, I surrounded myself with good people, I kept busy, and I treated myself well. Each year I learn more about myself and how to love myself better so that I can feel better and be better. I have a lot of things to keep me busy this summer. I have class and I've been working on just generally keeping myself more organized and on task so I'm looking forward to this summer.


It's very important to stay healthy in the summer so here are some helpful summer reminders:

• Drink your water! Drink lots of water. Stay hydrated please
• Don't feel bad about dropping toxic people. It's too damn hot for toxic or unhealthy relationships. Why should you stay around a rain cloud when you are destined for the sun? You are destined for the sun!!
• Keep busy as to not over-think but relax when need be. It's hot so need be comes often
• Eat seasonal produce. Summer produce is some of the most delicious all year. Cherries, apricots, peaches, watermelon, okra, mangoes, eggplant, plums, nectarines, and so much more!!
• Do the things that make you happy. Do them often, if you can. 
• If you have the time to do so, read! There is something really special about reading in the summer. I can say that about every season but summer reading brings me right back to my childhood summers and that's pretty cool.
• Most importantly, stay cool, protect yourself from the sun, and stay hydrated.

Happy (almost) Summer!

Motivation Monday

Just a reminder for anyone who reads this. You are a masterpiece. You matter. Even on your worst days, it's important to remember this. You are special. You deserve good things. You deserve to take a break when you need it. Don't be hard on yourself because you're too special to be treated badly--especially by the most important person in your life, you.

This week, don't forget how special you are. In anything you may face this week, whether it be good or bad, remember that you hold a very special place in the universe. You matter.

---

Quote of the day:

 "Stop believing the lies you’ve been told about yourself. You are not worth less than anybody else. You are not inferior or inadequate."

This week keep telling yourself how unique you are. There's no on in the world like you. Have a good week!

Welcome to 2015!

Happy New Year!! 

My first post of the new year comes almost 2 weeks in but I've just been taking it all in. I love the holidays so I enjoy this season. I enjoy celebrating late December and early January so I've been in a in good spirits for the past couple of weeks--for the most part. Happy to say that I made it through one full business week of the new year. My new year started on a pretty good note. Once the weekend was over I went right back into my school and work routine. I felt like I needed a longer vacation but I was excited to be filling my days again.

This year, if all goes accordingly, I will be taking more classes. I'll be more focused on school this year so I'm hoping that this year I can procrastinate less, focus more, and prioritize my energy.

I'm doing the happiness jar again this year. It really reminded me to be appreciative of all the little things that make me smile. Reading everything at the end of the year was such a great activity. I really enjoyed the whole project and look forward to doing it again. When I finish redecorating my jar, I will share the 2015 happiness jar look!

This year, I want to journal more. I was inspired by Pearl Cleage and I want to document my life. It's great to look back and see how much you've grown but it's even better when you look back and read about it and relive scenes from your life as you read the little details would be so much more amazing.

More self love this year!! Every day, more love. Less negativity and hopefully less over-thinking.

Most importantly, I hope 2015 is good to you. Happy New Year.

Looking Back On My Year

This is what my happiness jar looked like coming to the end of 2014. I just finished reading through my happy moments. There were so many! I was surprised by how many notes I put in there because there were times I forgot about the jar for weeks. I noticed that I had a lot of the little things documented. I love that. I'm proud of myself for finding joy in the little things. I hope to carry that into 2015.

Although these were small notes on small pieces of paper, I was able to see the ways in which I've grown. I'm so glad I was able to look back on that. Hopefully, I will be able to grow more and continue to be comfortable in my own skin.

Next time I would make sure to add the dates to every note and to try to put moments in the jar the day they happened. I say that because there were things I added to my jar from previous weeks and my feelings about those moments had changed. I feel like it was important to be authentic. To be happy in the moment. Hopefully next year I can add to my jar closer to when the moment happens.

My happiness jar showed me that it was a good year and I'm very thankful for it. Here's to 2015!!

Celebrating Me: December 6th

It's already December! How did that happen?

This past month has been very eventful. It's been an emotional roller coaster but that's okay. It's important to recognize that you will go through many different feelings an emotions during the course of a day, or week, or month, even from one minute tot he next. I may joke sometimes and say that I'm over emotional like it's a bad thing but I don't really think there's anything wrong with feeling things. What's important is that we don't let any one feeling define us and we don't let ourselves see our emotions and feelings as flaws. Additionally, we can't forget that emotions are not flaws in other people. If someone is expressing anger it is because they are angry about something and that it a human emotion. They are not inherently angry.  The same goes for all other emotions and feelings.

I started reading Robin Roberts' Everybody's Got Something and I've been enjoying it so far. I'm really glad I picked it up!

This time of year is my favorite because I feel that this time of year is about love and spending time with people you care about. It's about showing people how much you care for them and keeping them close. It's a great time of year.

Today, I'm feeling great because it's the weekend, I had a wonderful Friday, and I was very productive. I'm feeling slightly stressed as the end of my first semester of grad school comes to an end but I've been working on being more organized and I know that I can get my stuff done. I'm excited that winter is finally here. It's time for hot chocolate and fuzzy slippers. I'm really excited.



My quote of the day is:

"I've learned that I still have a lot to learn."

-Maya Angelou

Your life matters. You are beautiful. You deserve to be here. You deserve the right to feel and have the space to express those feelings. You are enough. ♥

Celebrating Me: November 6th

Today was a rainy day and I just love rainy days. I feel great that today is Thursday. Thursday means some of my favorite shows are on! Grey's Anatomy, Scandal, and How to Get Away With Murder! How to Get Away With Murder and Red Band Society are my favorite shows that have premiered this fall. I always enjoy my shows! Something to look forward to at the end of the day.


Lately I've been reading "Mom and Me and Mom" by Maya Angelou and I love it. Every day I read it, I feel like I've learned so much. I feel like I'm learning not only about Maya Angelou but about my self, love, life, relationships, and so much more. I'm loving every minute of it.


Today, my quote of choice is,

"Don't wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you've got to make yourself." -Alice Walker

Overall, today was a good day. I was pleased with the weather. My shows were on. I got to wear my cute scarf and coat. I'm in love with this time of year and I'm so glad to finally be celebrating my first fall in NYC in a long time. I think the proper term is excited. I'm excited about fall! The only thing I would wish for is a full day in bed with movies and good tv--preferably with a rainy setting outside. I feel like that would top off my transition into fall just perfectly but nothing has matched up in my favor. It's okay though because school and work are going quite well so I'm okay with waiting until Thanksgiving.

Thoughts at the moment: I don't want to twist my hair for bed. :(


I hope the weekend is good to you. You are loved.

Celebrating Me: October 6th and 7th.

I'm sitting at work today helping my students with their homework yesterday and I realize that today is the 7th and I did not take my selfie yesterday! I remember telling myself last week to remind myself but apparently, I forgot to remind myself. I took a selfie today and I also have one from the 5th.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I'm upset I forgot about my selfie. I didn't get as much done as I had hoped but my class went well Monday morning and I went out for drinks after work. My pina colada was very yummy! I also got a lot of sleep which is something I forgot to do all weekend because of a paper that was due Sunday night.

Today was not as great. My students were stressing me out today. I missed the bus by a minute and it threw my whole day off. I'm upset with myself because I still haven't cleaned my room nor have I done my laundry and those tasks were on my to-do list this past weekend. So today, I felt silenced, frustrated, and stressed out. On another note, I'm enjoying this fall weather that is finally here. I'm happy for boots, scarves, and cardigans!

My goals for this month are to stay focused! I need to stay on top of things, not only blogging but my school work and my work as well. Lastly, I need to not let it upset me when people talk over me or try to silence me when they are wrong and strong. I know what's right in my heart and I shouldn't let it get me upset.

Lastly, I'm growing stronger every day. I can only be me. There's only one me and I dedicate my time and my life to being good to myself in any way possible. Love yourself every single day because no matter what anyone else says, you deserve that love.

PS. I'm short, fat, and proud of that.

Happy Motivation Monday!

"I am stronger than my past experiences, downfalls, mistakes, rough days, bad habits, disappointments, anxieties, and sadnesses. While some days they may get the best of me, I am continually growing and learning how to cope with what comes my way."

This line in Pearl Cleage's lastest book found a special place in my heart. I read it over a few times before I moved on.

"I will claim myself for myself..."

♥

Celebrating Me: September 6th

I took my selfie yesterday on the 6th but I never got the chance to upload it! I had a great day. I went to a family potluck and really enjoyed myself. There was great company and great food so no complaints.

So yesterday, and this past month has been very interesting. I feel as though now I'm becoming a lot more comfortable with myself. I finally feel like I'm settling after having moved from Florida to New York last December. I'm really getting the hang of things.

I also have been experimenting more with bright colors and accessories that I feel compliment my personality more. So I really wanted to make sure my new favorite lip color made my September selfie!

This month I've been making sure I edit myself less. As I'm growing, a daily process, I realize the importance of being my authentic self and loving my authentic self as much as I can. I think it's really important to be myself. I can't edit myself for anyone. Take me as I am!

I started grad school last week and while I am a bit nervous, I couldn't be more excited to be going back to school and furthering my education. I would say 60% excitement and 40% nervousness. I'm only in my second week though so I believe that will change.

I go back to work tomorrow so that's one major thing I'm looking forward to. I missed my students so I'll be happy to see them again.!

I'm happy to be alive and I'm ready to see what this month brings me.

Goals for the this month:

• Stay focused
• Spread happiness and positivity
• Avoid procrastination

Self Care Reminder: August 23, 2014

Remember this: It's perfectly fine to remove toxic people from your life. It's okay to walk away from situations and relationships that make you feel anything less than the wonderful and deserving person that you are.

Under no circumstances are you obligated to keep negative and toxic people in you life. You do not owe anyone a relationship. You don't owe friendship to anyone who does not value you. You should not have to be something you're not to make someone else happy--especially when they are negatively impacting your life.

I think that one of the most important things to remember about "toxic people" is that they may not necessarily be bad people and sometimes these people are not always negatively affecting your life. It's important to know yourself and know when you need to take a break or when you need to be selfish with yourself. People's personalities tend to change. Think of the wide range of human emotions. Some people release very harmful and negative energy when they are stressed or overwhelmed or angry. Sometimes they say things that they don't mean. If you love these people, it's important to be there for them always but you have to be very careful not to get hurt in the process. Take breaks when things are uncomfortable for you. If it's not someone you love or feel any attachment to, walk away. You don't even need that stress. It's important to try to avoid negativity that hurts you when you're only try to love someone else.

You deserve the best.

Celebrating Me: August 6th/7th

August Selfie = Birthday Selfie!!

I'm 22 years old! I really tried to post on my birthday but I got in after midnight and went straight to bed. So my selfie post is a day late but who says celebrations have to end?

I did the very stereotypical playing of Taylor Swift's 22 as I got ready for work. I actually only heard it once before on the day before my birthday because I wanted to see if I liked it before I made it the first song I listened to on my birthday. It is a very cute song and I'm glad one of my best friends, Mia, reminded me about it.

I started the self care presents by treating myself to a delicious bodega breakfast sandwich with a cup of coffee. Then I went to work and I made sure that I had on the beautiful skirt that I got for my birthday. I wore it all day even though I had time to change before going out after work but I wanted to feel special and it's my special day to celebrate me so I really tried not to feel guilty about anything."Treat yo self."

I got so many wonderful birthday wishes. Some of the students even sang happy birthday to me. It was great and so cute!! After work, I went out with my momma and two of my aunts to dinner and a movie all of which was wonderful as well. I think I fell asleep in the car on the way home. I was so tired. This was my birthday outfit.

 

Overall, I had a phenomenal birthday. I was a little apprehensive at first about working on my birthday but I'm glad I went to work. All the beautiful faces I got to see at work and the well wishes made my day so much more special. 22 feels different. I can't really explain it. I looked in the mirror after I woke up and I felt that I looked different--older. However, I'm not sure if I trust what my mind is really thinking at 5 in the morning. 

Most importantly, on my birthday I was in love with the skin I'm in. 

I'm happy to be here and to be alive.

21 brought me graduation, my Bachelor's degree and a move to New York.

I'm thankful for another year of life. I'm excited to see what 22 will bring!



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Post birthday(today):

Today was an okay day. I was so tired from the night before and I think my lack of sleep gave me a headache that is only just now going away. Besides the headache and some overwhelming moments at work today, I had a good day. I'm happy that tomorrow is finally Friday. The weekend is near!

I've been  reading Pearl Cleage's latest book and I really can't put it down. I love it so far. There was something she wrote about writing and how creativity and laziness really battle it out all of the time. I strongly identified with that entire page. I'll write more about the book when I finish it. Every page is another piece of her life and that's just so cool to me!

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Leaving you with a special quote. I hope you have an amazing and safe weekend!!

♥

Retail Therapy!

I think that shopping/retail therapy can be a great form of self care. I think so because when you're treating yourself, the focus is on you! Even when you're shopping for people you love, it feels great because your thinking about the people you love and care about and how you can make them happy. For me, making other people happy is a wonderful source of my own happiness. I make sure that I can make myself happy as much as possible. It's been harder during my long summer camp days to find time for me that does not include sleeping and showering. So I was excited to get some time in to buy somethings I needed and wanted too!

This week I decided that it was okay to treat myself. I was responding to my body's requests. I was stressed, tired, my feet hurt from these field trips and I thought that it was time to do a little pampering. I deserve it!

Over the past few days, I bought myself two new pairs of sneakers, a pair of sandals, and I treated myself to a much needed mani and pedi. All of the shoes were on sale so I got a great deal. Here are the results of my spending on me "spree."

Celebrating Me: July 6th

 

I am so proud of myself today. I was very productive. I cleaned my room. Did laundry.  Moisturized my hair and put my mini twists in flexirods (see scarf). Washed my sister's hair. Got my lunch ready for tomorrow. Refilled my metrocard. It was a good day. I did everything I set out to do this weekend. However, I planned to go to be at 10 and as I type this it is 10:04 so that didn't work out but it's okay. My bed isn't going anywhere and in the morning there will be coffee.

My job has transitioned from afterschool to summer camp so now my work day starts at 8. I secretly love mornings. I like sleeping in too but I really don't mind if I have to get up early. I think mornings are wonderful. A lot of times they're quiet. There's coffee and breakfast food!! It's usually cooler in the morning time. I'm a fan of mornings. To make my morning go smoothly, I do as much as I can the night before. I even instagrammed a little video of me making my salad and iced coffee. See it here.

Today, I'm so thankful for my family and all of the time I get to spend with them.

My selfie day today reminds me that my birthday is one month away! It also reminds me that half of the year has already flown by. I'm not sure about you but it feels like this year is going by so quickly! I'm honestly ready for the cold months to come back.

I'm currently reading The Other Side of Paradise by Staceyann Chin. I really love it. I'm almost finished. Finishing books can be so bittersweet sometimes. I'm really enjoying reading this story. With it being summer time, I've been seeing a lot of summer reading lists and my book wishlist is just getting longer and longer. I'm going to be excited to finish this book and then sad that it's over but then excited to start the next book. I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to read next but I have plenty of good titles to choose from.

My productive day has left me tired but feeling accomplished. This heat has me miserable but I'm about to go moisturize with some lavender oil and drink some refreshing ice cold water.

Today, only after a refreshing and exfoliating shower, I felt wonderful and calm in my own skin. I'm happy to be where I am today and I'm excited to see what this month beings. 

Friendly Reminder

Your life and your experiences are always valid.

Don't spend your life comparing yourself to others. While it may seem that someone else is going through a hard time, it does not mean that what you're going through isn't important. If someone is more open about what they're going through, it doesn't make your life and your experiences any less real. If someone isn't really open about what their life and their experiences, it doesn't mean that their what they feel is not real. 

We're all human. It's natural for us all to feel different things and react differently to events in life. Nothing about us is one size fits all. We're different and that's good. That's what makes us all so special. That's also why we all need to have our differences respected and in respecting other people and their differences, we have to respect that we are different and our own differences need to be respected. Be good to you. You're worth it!

We matter. Our lives matter. Look at the person next to you, behind you, in front of you--think of the next person you're going to see. They matter. Their life matters. Their experiences and lives are valid and they deserved your respect. 

You're wonderful. Have a good day.

Bedtime Yoga Routine

I found a wonderful yoga routine for evening and bedtime. It's very gentle and relaxing. Try it!

Monday Morning Yoga

Good morning beautiful! It's the beginning of a new week! Before you start your week off. How about starting your week off by setting a few minutes aside to focus on yourself. Take deep breaths and just think about whatever your heart desires. My suggestion this morning is yoga. Yoga is great because it's relaxing and it's good for your body. It can help increase flexibility, improve balance, reduce anxiety, and lower stress levels. Here is a cute routine I found on pinterest that I love. While you do your yoga, I would suggest playing music that you like and find soothing. I'll add some recommendations below the yoga poses.

Recommended Music/Noise:

• RainyMood.com
• Private Party
• He Mele No Lilo
• Thinkin Bout You
• The World's Greatest
• We Are Young
• We Are the World
• Ain't No Mountain High Enough
• Stronger
• Don't Stop Me Now
• What a Wonderful World

I hope you have a beautiful day and a wonderful week! ♥

Celebrating Me: June 6th

This has been a long week and that ponytail has been working hard! Today was Friday and I was looking forward to it all week! It's the end of a tough week and Orange is the New Black season two came out today! My hair desperately needs to be washed and I'm glad the weekend is here so that I can tend to my hair. I had a pretty good day at work today even though I just wanted to stay at home curled up in my bed.

I'm thankful for all of the people in my life and I'm thankful for my job. In the last month I have had a lot of Dunkin Donuts coffee so I think I should say that I'm thankful for that too.

Last week I bought a bunch of Shea Moisture because it was on sale and I have so many new favorite products. They smell so good and they're good for my hair and skin. Shopping, self care, skin and hair loving all wrapped up in one BOGO event. Love it!

I'm really looking forward to just laying in bed curled up with my laptop. I think I really just need some time to relax so I think I'll spend my Saturday night doing just that. That's the plan, anyway.

I also really want to see the Fault in Our Stars movie. I read the book and absolutely loved it so I can't wait to see it on the big screen. I've spoken with a few people who have seen it already and they all loved it!

Well, it's Friday night and my bed has been calling me since I got out of it this morning! If you're reading this, I hope you have a wonderful weekend!