March 20th

March 20, 2018 marked 7 years free of self-harm. When I realized that it was 7 years, I felt some happiness for making it this far but mostly I felt disappointed in myself. I realize that 7 years free of self-harm is a huge accomplishment but when I think about how my self-care practices could have been much better. It’s hard to want to celebrate an achievement like this when I’m still upset with myself for taking no breaks and ignoring my mental health the depressive and suicidal weeks after my last birthday.

I use my birthday as a time to reflect and recommit to healing, growth, and self love. While I know that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself because recovery and healing is important ongoing work, I know that I did myself a disservice and continue to do so when I ignore my mental health and put self-care on a back burner. I knew it was bad practice then but I figured that I just hadn’t had the time to adjust yet to balancing my mental health and my first full time job. I tried to make a commitment then to creating stronger boundaries and taking mental health days. That didn’t last too long and I was often overwhelmed by guilt from taking a day off with work not 100% as well as the dread of having to catch up on anything missed. It doesn’t help that sometimes it feels like there is a target on my back when I’m out of the office. When my job performance suffered following this post birthday suicidal depressive mess, I decided to be honest in hopes that being honest with my feelings would help me be more honest with myself and gain more support in my environment. I was reminded to prioritize my paperwork and my practice self care.So I did and I told myself that I wouldn’t take a day for myself unless everything was 100% done. I quickly realized that this is not possible. With that understanding, I tried to create boundaries and recommit to self care but unfortunately, that did not last very long. More than anything, I've been overwhelmed by guilt and disappointment for not taking better care of myself.

I'm trying to remind myself to be gentle with myself as I try to find balance. I deserve that much. I've put my mental health on a back burner and the more I realized this, the more I became upset with myself. For that I owe myself an apology. None of this is easy. I look at my deserving tattoo multiple times a day and know that I deserve to be here and I know that I deserve to put as much work and energy into myself as much as anything else. I'm working on no longer ignoring these truths because I am deserving. Reflecting on this anniversary and my affirmations, I'm going to commit to taking it one day at a time. I'm forgiving myself and committing to not being so hard on myself. I don't belong on the back burner so I'm not staying there anymore. I'm happy to be alive. I'm happy to be here and I'm worth all the hard work that healing requires. I'm prioritizing myself and my mental health because I am deserving.

There is a romance brewing here

Between joy and I.

I deserve her and she deserves me.

                               -Upile Chisala

World Suicide Prevention Day: I'm so happy that you're alive

Today, September 10th, is World Suicide Prevention Day. The love and support and compassion shown on this day has always meant so much to me. I think this day serves as a reminder that mental illnesses are real. I think this serves as a reminder that you're not alone in what you're going through. Seeing love written on someone else's wrist reminds me that there's someone who cares and they'res someone who has possible been in the same place that I've been. There's a possibility that we'll all rise above our thoughts that trap us in the middle of the night. Today is a day to be aware and spread awareness. This day is reminder to share resources and be there for one another. Every and any ounce of your strength and hope can help another person and you can achieve that just by being yourself and being there. Listen, talk, share your experiences, spread hope. Every bit counts.

Your life matters always. You deserve to be here always. Every bit of you is important and every bit of you deserves to be here. In your pain, your stress, your sadness, depression, you matter and you deserve to be here. At 4am, 5pm, 3pm, 24/7--you matter, your life matters, and you deserve to be here! During finals week, first week of school, first day at a new job, or in between careers---your life matters and you deserve to be here! When you don't know what you want to do with your life or when you're finding that adulthood is not what you expected, remember that your life matters and you deserve to be here! Bad day, bad week, bad month, bad year--your life matters and you deserve to be here. No matter what, you matter. Your life matters and you deserve to be here!

♥

"You are a child of the universe! No less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here."

 --- 

Resources:

• suicdepreventionlifeline.org
• 1-800-273-8255 (Suicide Hotline US)
• thenicestplaceontheinter.net
• talkspace.com
• 7cupsoftea.com
• thequietplaceproject.com
• http://thequietplaceproject.com/thethoughtsroom/
• Crisis Text Line: Text “SUPPORT” to 741741
• Suicide Prevention Help Guide 
• 11 Facts About Suicide 
• International Association for Suicide Prevention
• Dealing with Suicidal Thoughts