I bid you feelings farewell!

So I've reflected on my senior year and I've finally figured out how I felt for it and I can now explain the emotional roller coaster that was the epitome of my senior year. I thought about it one night, several nights actually, and it actually made it cry.

To sum it up, I guess I can say that I didn't really like it....I think I actually used the word hate when I was thinking about it. So I think it would best to just let it all out. I apoligize in advanced i it doesn't make any sense. I just want to remember the feeling so that it's clear to me that I'm out of the darkness and I'm actually happy now. I'm a happier person now. It's not perfect but I really like it.

Basically, my senior year and most of my high school experience was extrememly mentally, emotionally, and physically draining. I think I had to struggle a lot with making it through the day and it was really hard to fight so hard just to make it through a day and then a week and then a year. It was unbelieveable now that I think about it. Im really proud of mysel because I did make it through and there were many times that I was really close to not making it.

I was so unhappy the I'm not sure where real happiness began and pretend happiness ended. I basically felt no love unless I was at home and when I was home it was hard to be loving because I was so tired of fighting through the day. It was just ruining so many things or me. I hated all the crying. I was sick of sitting in classes crying or going to the bathroom to go cry. I was sick of feeling alone in such a crowded place. I think it was more than just feeling alone though. I didn't feel like I was accepted for being myself and what else was I really supposed to be? I thought I was pretty okay, average, and most days I loved me. I'm not like a lot of the people I was surrounded by but so what if I'm different. I like different things, I listen to different kinds of music, that's me and it was absolutely disgusting that I was teased for things like that by people in high school, people preparing for the real world, to be adults and that's how they treated people. Like they were little kids and bullying was okay.

That high school is the only place that I know of in this entire world where about 98% of the population is okay with hurting people and knowing that they hurt people. Sometimes it was more than just being okay with it. I've seen people be happy with the fact that they know they've hurt someone and it was so heartbreaking to me. I'm sure no one likes getting hurt but it's probably hard to get hurt when you can hurt someone so easily.

I was just sick of how clear the presence of dishonesty was. Even when I think of it now, I can barely pick out who was true and who wasn't. I'm not stupid though. I know that I only had a few friends because hey I wasn't accepted but what really hurt me was when people tarnish my random acts of kindness. I knew that they were stupid and useless but they were the only things keeping me sane. If I didn't see love or kindness or any form of compassion then I had to cry so I couldn't let that happen even if it meant I had to put inspirational quotes on little cards or stay up to bake cookies for people who didn't really care. It was crazy though, I loved doing it because it made my heart happy even though people made it known how annoyed they were by it. I couldn't stop because if I did then I would have nothing else to make me happy except for the fact that the end of the year was near and I didn't have to deal with it anymore. It was so hard for me to watch so many happy people and just know that I could never be happy in that environment.

It felt like, by their standards, I didn't deserve that and I never will but everyone deserves happiness and love and it was just unbelieveable to be around so many people and get the vibe that I didn't matter because I didn't look a certain way and I didn't dress a certain way, and I didn't like certain things and although your heart is broken, the vibe that "we don't care because you're not worth it." That's how I felt for pretty much 90% of my senior year.

I'm so happy now though and I learned so much from what I went through. I learned that the town and high school I was in sucks all the energy and happiness out of me and that's a really good thing to know. I know where not to start a family. I know that the tears and the broken heart wasn't just me. There was nothing wrong with me. That's something that I really needed to figure out. Most importantly, I learned that I am worth happiness and love. I was just blinded by the blind, unaccepting and uncaring people around me.

PS, my goal wasn't to offend anyone. I just needed to let it out and share my story.

President Obama talked about PEACE

On August 31st of 2010, President Obama addressed the nation on his plan to end the war in Iraq in hopes of creating more peace. The President addressed the combat in Iraq that has lasted the past ten years. President Obama discussed the toll that the war has taken on our country and the country of Iraq as well as our suffering economy. The statement the stood out the most to me was his decision to let the Iraqi people find peace on their own and to basically let them be and live their own lives.

Although it all sounds very wonderful, I thought President Obama’s speech was a very typical politician speech. In my opinion, the president was simply addressing his 2008 campaign promises. If his plans of ending combat in Iraq and instating a peace between the two countries, then I think the entire speech was wonderful and the plan is very promising. I have faith that it will work out. However, even though this is something that the nation has been wanting for years, I’m very sure that people will disapprove because it’s something that President Obama has brought up and it’s much more popular to disagree with the president than it is to agree with him. I think now that the president has chosen to go in the direction to end the war, our nation will be on a very bumpy road because we will need to recover after the war and after all of the troops come home. It’s going to be very hard for the troops when they come home. They will have to find jobs, which aren’t an easy task in this economy. They also have to struggle with issues like post-traumatic stress disorder which can be very hard for them and for their families. In my opinion, I think that the entire country will have to work together for the recovery process to go well and that might be our toughest hurdle. United we stand and divided we fall, they are such simple words but if we truly lived by them, our country could work wonders.

=D

‎"I believe everything happens for a reason! People change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so that you will eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes, good things fall apart, so better things can fall together."

- Marilyn Monroe

game day

I recently went to my first college football and it was awesome. We won!! 59-14! Which was awesome because we were pretty much covered in spirit. I ended up sitting about 5 rows away from the field. The stadium was awesome despite the over-priced food and drinks but the world is filled with over-priced everything!

It's a holliday weekend so I'm spending my monday trying to work ahead in my classes so that I can work ahead on some work and study for two upcoming exams and two projects that I have due soon. On the grind!

The Waiting Room

"I think Mother Nature has a cure for most everything...'cept human nature..."

So this week, I had to read a play called The Waiting Room. I had to read it as part of my women's study class, the female experience in America. I just finished the play. It wasn't too long, only about 75 pages but it carries a phenomenal impact. I mean, I am so excited that I had the chance to read the book. I learned so many things that I kind of already knew. It's like I gained a new persepctive on things that I though I had an awesome perspective on already. Also, I totally cried. I love books and movies that make me cry. To me, that means they hit a special place deep inside of me. Which I think is awesome it's crazy sometimes to think that books are so powerful. they don't have arms or legs and they don't have brains or anything but they have the power to reach into and sometimes just become apart of you and I think that's so marvelous.

In the play, there were a lot of instant favorite lines for me. Lines that I read, and I was just like, wow....this needs to be shared asap! So that's what I'm going to do. I hope everyone could get the chance to read this play and see it, hopefully, like I saw it.

sit back

do you realize how beautiful this world is? It's a crazy place you know. It's just so real. It's unpredictable, crazy, dangerous, fun, and...it's just you can't blink, you'll miss too much!

I saw a girl today in a lot of trouble. It was crazy. It's a happy time here for us, more or less, first week of classes, a new start or the continuation of something very special, and there she was in the middle of it all, very lost, shocked, and scared. She made a few of us think. We always say how short life is and how you can be on your own personal high and then it can all be taken away from us as fast as it takes us to blink. It's not a matter of making wrong decisions or anything like that. There are just so many things that we just can't control and it's just so unfortunate that to live in this wonderful and crazy world, we have to live through some of those experiences sometimes.

I just think it's important to understand that you can make it. It gets extrememly hard out there sometimes but you have to know that you can make it out. The darkness only lasts for a while. You have to believe that the light is there and you'll find it. "In the darkness there is fear but there is also hope." You don't have to suffer forever. It'll be okay. I know that you're going to make it. I have faith.

love love love

I believe in love so of course I think that magic is real.

I'm totally in the midst of doing chemistry homework for a class that hasn't even started yet when I remembered the night I was up and thinking about magic and that is the conclusion I came too. It reminds me of how the love of Harry Potter's mother saved him from being killed and left him with an awesome scar. I know it may sound cheesy but it was easy to think of and that story is based on bravery and love. I really must get back to my work though.

:)

The fall classes begin on monday and I'm ready! During the summer semester, I did well, adjusted well after some help, and then did well academically with the exception of one C in my American History class :(

Other than the C, I got two beautiful As. I'm very proud of them and they make my C look less unattractive. I'm ready for the new adventure that I'm hoping this semester will bring.

I have a women's studies class that I'm reakky excited about. I took one over summer and it was basically a sex class called Human Sexual Behavior but I learned a lot. It was so much fun. I like women's studies and I'm really thinking about becoming an advocate for women's rights. Who knows how it will all turn out.

With a dream and all the right resources, the possibilities are truly endless.

look at how beautiful you are!

I feel that it's necessary, because i haven't done this in a while, to let the person reading this message to know this:

you are not alone. You're a person with many feeling and emotions and although they may be extremely complex and hard to understand at times, you are not alone.

You are loved and even though that idea is can hard to wrap your head around all the time, it's true. It's hard to see sometimes but the love is always there. It's always around. it may be hard for some people to communicate that love to you and it fogs your vision for a while but you can't forget that the love is there. It's a struggle but it's worth it once your heart begins to smile and the emptiness you were feeling goes away.


love is a battlefield and it is worth the fight and to be certain that you win the fight, you have to love yourslf.


one last important thing, you're beautiful. it's in the way you walk and talk and breathe and basically, it's just in you. it's waiting to be embraced and if you haven't acknowldged and embraced it then how do you think other people will do the same.


Truth is you were wonderfully created and your uniqueness is what gives you your exceptional and wonderful beauty. i can see it. i see it in everyone. it makes me sad when people don't see it in themselves. I get sad on the days i don't see it in myself but it's another struggle that is very much worth the battle.


do away with the blurry vision and look at the beautiful person that is you!


i love you.

you're absolutely wonderful, strong, and phenomenal. I bet you thought it was impossible to be all those things but take a look in the mirror...the person lookikng back at you is all of those things and so much more. especially if you let them be. don't let that wonderful person stay beneath the surface. introduce them to the world and maybe the world will be a little brighter...maybe your heart will smile and little brighter and the sadness will fade away. maybe we can make a change in this place we call home.

It's possible. I'm sure of it and I dream of it daily,
with love...

18!!!

I am now an adult, I guess. August 6th was my birthday and I am now 18 years old. I am an adult now right? Also, the 6th was my last day of classes for the summer semester which was bittersweet in my opinion. I had to take an icky American History final exam but my Human Sexual Behavior class was canceled so I had more time to pack and rest before my mom and my aunt and all of the beautiful little kids came to pick me up. Unfortunately, the cake above was not my birthday cake. My mom got me cake from bob evans, actually, I had my birthday dinner at bob evans. I don't feel that different, especially since I had already been living on my own in college for the past 7 weeks. I do feel a bit older though, I was able to buy a scratch off today and my mom keeps telling me how grown up I am. I think I've always been an adult, not always but for a while, I had grown up very fast and I was mature. I aged from things like saving myself and all the fights I've had that I won! I think those things made me older than I really was.

I'm also going to miss my summer. It was so much fun. My college years are off to a good start I think. I met a lot of cool people and I learned a lot. Of course I went to college to learn but I think I learned a lot about life also. I learned about how it is to live with people and how to manage time. I learned what study techniques work best for me even though I still need to work on that some more...*laughs* I also learned how to take care of myself a little bit better. My mom isn't alway there anymore to help me out so I have to make it work on my own. I'm so glad I'm with her now though on my break between semesters. *yay!!* I also learned to stick up with what I believe no matter what people say about it or try to tell you about it. My beliefs make me who I am so I can't change that for anyone. I'm grown now. I have to stick up for me because it's getting harder and harder to find someone who is going to do it for me. Another year strong and I'm living my life for me!